Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain at the best of times.  Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be.  Whatever happens, we're all here for you and there are several virtual shoulders to cry on should you feel the need at any time. 

Oh dear, hh, I know well enough how you feel to know that other people knowing how you feel doesn't help one little bit... 

But I do also know that way back at tOP when I was going through a break-up of a long-distance relationship (about 2 1/2 years ago) the chance to waffle with the assembled company was a damn fine thing. Just to know that someone's listening is sometimes a wonderful help, I think, even if you're not actually saying anything. (Although I did certainly have a couple of evenings of unburdening myself in the company of sweet and understanding people most of whom made the trip over to this board. And I'm certain the first real belly-laughs I had after being dumped were sitting right here, waffling with some of these very people.)

Of course there are some feelings one just has to work through and some times when nothing's going to help. But for the other times there's always us... 

Where's that old tOP smiley gone? Ah, here it is.

Hey hh, really sorry to hear your news. Been through lots of break-ups myself, some instigated by me, some instigated by the other - it's hard, and there's such pressure not to show anyone that it might be getting to you. Hope you feel you can talk about it on here freely, however you want - if anyone starts taking advantage of that, I will personally go round to their house and do something unspeakable to them involving pieces of paper taken from Marxist texts!

I've found in break-ups that concentrating on work, however hard that may be, is a way of staying motivated in life - gives a sense of continuing purpose.

It's very easy, in any break-up, to think of it in terms of one or other party being 'at fault' in some way. That whole mentality is simply destructive, though it may be momentarily cathartic for one side. Usually simply two people are not right for each other, which doesn't necessarily reflect badly on either of them as individual. Hope neither of you feel the need for recriminations and the like. I've been there, done that, but on the whole keep up very good friendships with most of my exes, whether short- or long-term.

Don't know if any of this is any help, just some thoughts that come to mind.

Ok here comes a Mort blurt, mainly because I think I`m at the end of my tether and I think I need to let things out before they ferment inside me and become damaging. Also, I can only see the trees and not the wood, as it were. Perhaps some of you may have a clearer perspective. Deep breath, here goes ......

As some of you will know, my mother died at the beginning of the year. Ever since then my partner of over 7 years seems to have backed away from me, literally putting distance between us (we don`t live together) to the extent we may as well live in different countries instead of postcodes. He`s always been rather a workaholic and his job involves travelling, so there have often been gaps between seeing eachother. I have never felt that to be a problem, we each get some space. I should add at this point he has always been a kind, caring and sensitive man and has always been on hand to help and support me. His workload noticeably increased a year ago, so more travelling but we have always spoken on the `phone every day or texted. We have always been very close, almost to the point of communicating mentally even though physically apart. That has suddenly been shattered and I can pinpoint it to the day my mother died. Obviously he was the first person I contacted (by text because it was very early in the morning). After nearly 12 hours there had been no response, so I called him. Yes, he had received my text but `I thought I`d give you some time to grieve`. He was not there to support me at the funeral (work again),  couldn`t help me with the clearing of the flat (yes, work again) and basically has now altogether distanced himself. I can see he gets uncomfortable if I mention anything to do with my mother and our conversations are now becoming meaningless. It`s enormously hurtful because I was there for him when his father died 5 years ago and several close family bereavements since. I have wondered if maybe it has triggered some kind of fear response in him, as in he knows that he will have to deal with the same thing in the future with his mother and somehow being near me brings that scenario too close for comfort. As though death was contagious.

People have always used the word `strong` to describe me. Can`t see it myself but I guess that`s how I come across. As I said to a friend recently, I think he`s relying on me being `strong` and coping, thereby making everything normal (whatever the hell that is). I certainly don`t feel `strong`. What I am starting to feel now is damn angry and, yes, very hurt. As though I am some kind of emotional leper. It`s not as though I have collapsed into hysterical tears (maybe I should have) and been incapable of even making a cup of tea.

Stupidly, (it`s always the stupid things that do it, isn`t it?) the final straw came yesterday evening when he told me that an old friend of his has bought 2 tickets for a Rolling Stones concert - `That was good of him, wasn`t it?`). Rolling Stones???  All I could think of was how he couldn`t be there for the funeral, couldn`t be there for my birthday this year (or others before) and can rarely make time to do anything during the week. Rolling bloody Stones?!

Yes, I have spoken to him about the distance that is growing between us, that work now claims about 95% of his life and I was worried that it was damaging us. Part of me thinks that he is a man that life/work has overtaken and that he is trapped, another part of me is thinking, well, muddled thoughts.

So there you are. Mort uncovered and upstaged by The Rolling Stones. When I started typing this I wasn`t sure if I would post it, but I think I will.

Mort,

It's very good of you to have posted this, for us as well as yourself, so that we know exactly how things really are. No wonder your health has been going through such a rough patch.

I've stopped myself from adding anything else, right now, and have just deleted a whole stretch which even by my standards was appallingly knee-jerk and trite. For once, I'll actually have a long think about this before saying anything more. That doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about you, and willing you some of my support. I most certainly am.

Ron XXXXXXXXXXX

And again and again:



Very sorry to hear about that, Mort. Can't help thinking there's more to it (for him, I mean) than comes across in your account, but I'll avoid the knee-jerkiness and triteness too for the moment...

What does he do, work-wise?

Mort,

I'm not much help either on this tricky situation until I've had a think about it.  But can I offer you my support too?  And rather than leave you with a lot of answers that just say 'I don't know what to say, but i want to help', please could you take what might be useful out of this immediate gut reaction waffle........

From what you wrote, I took that you need someone to be strong for you.  He's absent.  My gut tells me he's absent because he's running scared of something - not necessarily facing grief, but could be a whole load of things.  But the major point is that he's scared of something - which means he is being weak.

Trying to find out what he's scared of doesn't seem the right approach (well it does when you think logically and scientifically, but not when you remember that people are often illogical).  I guess what I'm fearful of is that by trying to find out why he's like he is, you'll bring to the fore the very thing he is fearing, and it'll make the whole situation worse.

An alternative might just be to keep on saying "I need you to be strong for me now" (and not fall into the trap of exploring why he is running away).  Remind him of the times when he was supportive of you before, and how you felt.  (Will it boost his ego and make him want to do it again?).  Whatever, as you had a genuine friendship, he'll work out a way of being stroing for you.


A random waffle, but I hope it helps somehow - I know you're the expert on this "How people relate" type of stuff, and even if all of the above is poppycock, I hope it inspires you to find a way forward.

And remember you can always count on us round here to come and have a beer/gin with you on a smokers' pub patio.

Tommo

Thanks Tommo and George.

I'll add in a little of what I nearly posted.

 Men may be physically stronger than women, but are often emotionally weaker, which isn't always easy for us to come to terms with.