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Author Topic: Funny Ha-Ha Room  (Read 10911 times)
Turfan Fragment
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Posts: 1330


Formerly known as Chafing Dish


« Reply #270 on: 19:34:01, 27-08-2008 »

"Viruses of the kids variety" ?

I can't laugh at this, but by all means you go right ahead.

There are other jokes for us less cynical types, I guess.
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richard barrett
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Posts: 3123



« Reply #271 on: 19:38:18, 27-08-2008 »

There are other jokes for us less cynical types, I guess.


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Turfan Fragment
*****
Posts: 1330


Formerly known as Chafing Dish


« Reply #272 on: 21:20:10, 27-08-2008 »

 Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

We need a thread for offspring-related waffle. Or perhaps not (nausea inducing for the childless).

« Last Edit: 21:24:19, 27-08-2008 by Turfan Fragment » Logged

Ruth Elleson
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1204


« Reply #273 on: 21:25:31, 27-08-2008 »

For what it's worth, waffle about kids does not induce nausea, nor do I see why children should be any more off-limits joke-wise (within the limits of common moral decency, obviously) than any other part of life  Embarrassed
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Oft hat ein Seufzer, deiner Harf' entflossen,
Ein süßer, heiliger Akkord von dir
Den Himmel beßrer Zeiten mir erschlossen,
Du holde Kunst, ich danke dir dafür!
Turfan Fragment
*****
Posts: 1330


Formerly known as Chafing Dish


« Reply #274 on: 21:28:20, 27-08-2008 »

By no means off-limits! Sorry to give that impression. All I meant to do was chide you tsk tsk tsk.

<offers a cookie>But I'm not angry. There's a dear.</offers cookie>
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Ruth Elleson
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1204


« Reply #275 on: 21:32:15, 27-08-2008 »

<accepts cookie> Smiley</accepts cookie>
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Oft hat ein Seufzer, deiner Harf' entflossen,
Ein süßer, heiliger Akkord von dir
Den Himmel beßrer Zeiten mir erschlossen,
Du holde Kunst, ich danke dir dafür!
Ruth Elleson
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1204


« Reply #276 on: 12:56:41, 29-08-2008 »

Letters to VIZ magazine

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
(John Sampson, Southampton)

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
(Stalker, Bournemouth)

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting
people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours
community service.
(A Woodward, Sheffield)

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
(J Morgan, Wigan)

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
(Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham)

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
(Tim Wakefield, Surrey)

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women.
(Chris Mapply, Carshalton)

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.
(George Nisbet)

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.
(Werner Hoffman, Munich)

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
(B Bollockbrain, Braintree)

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin
Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass Murderer'.
(Danny King, Balham)

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
(K Libretto, Welling)
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Oft hat ein Seufzer, deiner Harf' entflossen,
Ein süßer, heiliger Akkord von dir
Den Himmel beßrer Zeiten mir erschlossen,
Du holde Kunst, ich danke dir dafür!
richard barrett
*****
Posts: 3123



« Reply #277 on: 13:08:27, 29-08-2008 »

Good work, Ruth.
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Milly Jones
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 3580



« Reply #278 on: 19:05:15, 01-09-2008 »

I LOVE this doctor!

Q:  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?   
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.     
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
 
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!   
 
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.   
 
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!   
 
 
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ....
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
   
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.     
 
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!     
 
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:
  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!     
 
 
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.   

And remember: !   
 
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'     
   
AND....
 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English (American style) is apparently what kills you.
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Milly Jones
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 3580



« Reply #279 on: 23:46:15, 04-09-2008 »

It's always good to get a reassuring letter from your children....

Dear Mum & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumper. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love as always
Your only son, Johnnie.
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Ron Dough
Admin/Moderator Group
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« Reply #280 on: 23:53:51, 04-09-2008 »

Pedal-file, Mills? Not somebody else with a bike?  Wink
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Milly Jones
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 3580



« Reply #281 on: 10:06:11, 19-09-2008 »

They forgot to mention those women who work too!!    Grin


  THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.  They will also attend cubs, brownies, sea cadets or similar.

There is no fast food.

Each man must:
take care of his 3 children,
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
also, cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to A & E

He must also
make gingerbread men or choc chip cakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn  themselves  with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal pain, persistent lower back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings, but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings, concerts & plays, church, and find time
at least once a week, to spend the afternoon
in the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size, teachers name, best friends name and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
time of birth,
and length of labour,
each child's favourite colour,
middle name,
favourite snack,
favourite song,
favourite drink,
favourite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

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Turfan Fragment
*****
Posts: 1330


Formerly known as Chafing Dish


« Reply #282 on: 15:31:22, 19-09-2008 »

Too bad they didn't have reality TV in the 1950's. This idea for a TV show would have been a keen piece of social commentary!
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Kittybriton
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2690


Thank you for the music ...


WWW
« Reply #283 on: 16:00:28, 19-09-2008 »

in the '50s? for some of us the clock hasn't ticked that much...
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No, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish.
Milly Jones
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 3580



« Reply #284 on: 10:49:14, 29-09-2008 »

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '£750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '£1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again. You're in MY cupboard now.'
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