I wasn't sure whether this should be in Waffle or Happy room, so decided to make a new room...
put your best jokes in here, folks !

Here is the one that inspired me:


A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard, when, all of a sudden he hears some music. No-one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads"Ludwig von Beethoven 1770-1827". Then he realises that the music is the 9th Symphony, but it is being played backwards!Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is being played, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the Ninth, then the Seventh, then the Fifth.
By the next day the word has spread, and a throng has gathered around the grave.They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explaination for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing".



I'll get me coat.

Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager.

BARMAN: `Sorry, we don`t serve food`.



Boom boom!

Ho!
"Saddam Hussein, dictator of Iraq, was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade
next when the telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr Hussein." a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in
the Harp pub in County Sligo, in Ireland. I am ringing you up to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you!"
Well, Paddy," Saddam replied. "this is indeed important news!  How
big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation. "there is meself,
me cousin, Sean, me next door neighbour, Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"  Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have               
one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!," says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough the next day Paddy called again.  "Mr Hussein, the war
is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment."
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we
have two combines a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6000 tanks,
4000 armoured personnel carriers. "And since we last talked, I have
increased my army to one and half million men"
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy, "I'll have to call you back."
Sure enough the next day Paddy called back. "Mr Hussein, the war is till on.
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!  We have modified Harrigan's
Ultra-Lite with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for moment and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers, 2000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles sites and
since we last spoke I am have increased my army to TWO MILLION men!"
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Paddy said. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we
have had to call off the war!"  "I'm sorry to hear that, Paddy." Saddam said.                               
"Why the change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy.  "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of
pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

It's a dark, rainy February night on the Falls Road, in Belfast, and Mordecai is making his way home from the Laundry when he hears heavy footsteps behind him. He stops for a moment. The footsteps stop. He carries on, and turns the corner. A few minutes later he is stopped by a heavy hand on his shoulder, and something hard is poking his back: a gruff Irish brogue growls;
"Protestant or Catholic?"
"Neither!" exclaims a terrified Mordecai, "I'm Jewish"
"Bogger may!" says the Irish voice. "I most be the lockiest arab in Belfast!"

 

Erm...does it mean something in particular to be a "goer", or am I missing something awfully obvious?

How can you tell when the stage is completely flat?

The drummer has drool coming out of both sides of his mouth.

 Subject: Fw: TALKING DOG
 
 
 A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a
house:
 "Talking Dog For Sale."
 He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
 The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
 "You talk?" he asks.
 "Yes," the Lab replies.
 "So, what's the story?"
 The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
 I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.
 I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
 The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
 "Ten euros," the man says.
 "Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
 "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite"