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Morticia
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« Reply #15 on: 21:49:35, 30-04-2007 » |
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A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."
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martle
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« Reply #16 on: 21:52:59, 30-04-2007 » |
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Nice one Mort!  rm might like this one: A guy is sitting morosely at the bar in a pub in a small Welsh village. He keeps ordering more drinks, obviously trying to drown his sorrows. Eventually the barman asks him what’s wrong. ‘Well, I’ve lived in this village all my life. I’ve given everything to it, I have. I dug fresh ditches right round it a few years ago – but did I get called Jones the Ditch? No. I rebuilt fences for three farms. Did I get called Jones the Fence? No. I reslated the chapel roof. Did I get called Jones the Slate? No. And yet I shag just one sheep…’ |
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Green. Always green.
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Morticia
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« Reply #17 on: 22:08:47, 30-04-2007 » |
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Martle, Titter, giggle, titter  |
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roslynmuse
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« Reply #18 on: 22:37:16, 30-04-2007 » |
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Nice one Mort! rm might like this one: A guy is sitting morosely at the bar in a pub in a small Welsh village. He keeps ordering more drinks, obviously trying to drown his sorrows. Eventually the barman asks him what’s wrong. ‘Well, I’ve lived in this village all my life. I’ve given everything to it, I have. I dug fresh ditches right round it a few years ago – but did I get called Jones the Ditch? No. I rebuilt fences for three farms. Did I get called Jones the Fence? No. I reslated the chapel roof. Did I get called Jones the Slate? No. And yet I shag just one sheep…’ martle - that sheep was our little secret!  |
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martle
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« Reply #19 on: 22:44:53, 30-04-2007 » |
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Green. Always green.
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A
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« Reply #20 on: 23:04:27, 30-04-2007 » |
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roslyn's joke reminds me......
-How many Oxford dons does it take to change a light bulb?
-Change?
A
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Well, there you are.
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thompson1780
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« Reply #21 on: 23:12:22, 30-04-2007 » |
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"My wife went to India's smallest state yesterday"
"Goa?"
"Yes, she is rather, but that's awfully personal....."
Tommo
Actually for this audience, I suppose I should have had..... "My wife likes that 'Marching to Carcassonne' piece' "Goehr?" "She is a bit of one, but that's still very personal' And continuing the series..... "My wife plays folk at our local" "Violin?" "Well, It is now she plays there, but I can't tell her that." Let me know when you start banging your heads against the keyboards..... Tommo |
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« Last Edit: 23:28:44, 30-04-2007 by thompson1780 »
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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A
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« Reply #22 on: 23:17:50, 30-04-2007 » |
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only joking tommo... carry on !!!!! A |
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Well, there you are.
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Morticia
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« Reply #23 on: 15:22:42, 01-05-2007 » |
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A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. She is not aware that her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet during their meetings.
One day her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again, that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh~t again."
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #24 on: 16:00:23, 01-05-2007 » |
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Dear Lord
The Woman's Prayer
So far today I am doing alright.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper,
Been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
Selfish or self-indulgent.
I have not whined, complained,
Cursed or eaten any chocolate.
I have charged nothing to my credit card!
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute
And I think I will really need your help then.
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #25 on: 16:03:36, 01-05-2007 » |
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I think your typing might need seeing to, Milly. You appear to have typed 'Wo' instead of 'Hu'.  |
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Soundwave
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« Reply #26 on: 16:46:55, 01-05-2007 » |
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Ho!
The Toughest Road Surface Of Them All. Avoid at all costs.
A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"
The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.
Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.
The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"
The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.
At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"
And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.
Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.
The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."
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Ho! I may be old yet I am still lusty
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Soundwave
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« Reply #27 on: 16:50:14, 01-05-2007 » |
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Ho again! A little naughty.
Saturday noon in a small North of England town. The pharmacist is just pulling down the blind on his door before going off for his one hour lunch break. Through the glass he sees the Vicar. He opens the door and the Vicar enters looking a little sheepish and, though the shop is empty, asks, in a hushed and embarrassed voice, for half a dozen condoms. With his plainly wrapped parcel the Vicar leaves and the pharmacist closes his shop.
Later that afternoon, about half-past-four, the pharmacist is surprised to see the Vicar enter and again ask, in a hushed voice, for half a dozen condoms. Wrapping the items, the pharmacist says “Aren’t I right in thinking, Vicar, that you were here for some of these only at mid-day?” “Ah yes”, whispered the Vicar “but the good lady’s staying for tea.”
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Ho! I may be old yet I am still lusty
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Soundwave
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« Reply #28 on: 16:59:55, 01-05-2007 » |
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Hm!
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The
Doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do
you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's
still alive!! How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
walk, that's why he's still a live . he's Italian and he's a golfer
too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead? He's still a-kick'n."
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. Getting married!! "Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
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Ho! I may be old yet I am still lusty
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #29 on: 18:33:23, 01-05-2007 » |
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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