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Il Grande Inquisitor
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« Reply #45 on: 23:24:36, 06-05-2007 » |
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Martle -  Which reminds me of how you get the leader of the viola section to play with vibrato - write "solo" over the part... Q: Why do you often find viola players waiting outside your front door? A: Because they can never find the right key and don't know when to come in! |
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Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency
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Ian Pace
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« Reply #46 on: 23:27:14, 06-05-2007 » |
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OK - as told to me by a composer a few weeks ago:
Why can't women reverse into a parking space?
Because men have persuaded them that this ----> <------- is eight inches.
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'These acts of keeping politics out of music, however, do not prevent musicology from being a political act . . .they assure that every apolitical act assumes a greater political immediacy' - Philip Bohlman, 'Musicology as a Political Act'
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Biroc
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« Reply #47 on: 23:28:56, 06-05-2007 » |
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OK - as told to me by a composer a few weeks ago:
Why can't women reverse into a parking space?
Because men have persuaded them that this ----> <------- is eight inches.
LOL, that was my wife that told you Ian, and she's pleased to have been elevated to the position of "composer"...! |
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"Believe nothing they say, they're not Biroc's kind."
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Ian Pace
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« Reply #48 on: 23:30:01, 06-05-2007 » |
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OK - as told to me by a composer a few weeks ago:
Why can't women reverse into a parking space?
Because men have persuaded them that this ----> <------- is eight inches.
LOL, that was my wife that told you Ian, and she's pleased to have been elevated to the position of "composer"...! Actually, it wasn't - the person who told me it (who was there in Belgium) must have heard it from her! |
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'These acts of keeping politics out of music, however, do not prevent musicology from being a political act . . .they assure that every apolitical act assumes a greater political immediacy' - Philip Bohlman, 'Musicology as a Political Act'
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Biroc
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« Reply #49 on: 23:31:11, 06-05-2007 » |
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OK - as told to me by a composer a few weeks ago:
Why can't women reverse into a parking space?
Because men have persuaded them that this ----> <------- is eight inches.
LOL, that was my wife that told you Ian, and she's pleased to have been elevated to the position of "composer"...! Actually, it wasn't - the person who told me it (who was there in Belgium) must have heard it from her! heheh, she was sure she'd told you...maybe she told an Ian Pace doppelganger? |
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"Believe nothing they say, they're not Biroc's kind."
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #50 on: 16:00:10, 07-05-2007 » |
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#45 - Cheers IGI. That reminds me of this awful jest. ' I knew I was back in Glasgow when I saw a man pissing against someones front door .... ....... then he got out his key and let himself in ' Copyright Fred Macaulay (I think ..)  |
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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Morticia
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« Reply #51 on: 18:10:38, 08-05-2007 » |
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain.
One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over
her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants
a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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SimonSagt!
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« Reply #52 on: 19:24:33, 08-05-2007 » |
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Thanks Mort! Excellent! One for the pub later on! Some of you may remember this one I posted yonks ago on the old boards... There's an Englishman in Paris who needs to go to Strasbourg so he gets on the train at Gare de l'Est. He finds a nice comnpartment to himself and settles down with The Times. A little while later, the door opens and a Frenchman gets in. He puts his bag on the rack and settles himself comfortably with Le Monde. Just before the train is due to start, the door bursts open and a gloriously attractive young lady appears, gives the two men a beaming smile and sits herself opposite them. The train leaves. After a while it passes through a tunnel and everything goes dark for a few seconds. During the darkness, there's the sound of a hard slap and when the train comes out of the tunnel the Frenchman is sitting with a pained expression, rubbing he side of his face. The Frenchman is thinking: "Aha - when we were in the tunnel, I bet that that Englishman tried to kiss that girl and she slapped him, but missed and accidentally hit me instead!" The girl is thinking: "Aha - I bet that that Frenchman is gay and that when we were in the tunnel he tried to kiss the Englishman and got slapped for it!" And the Englishman is thinking: "I hope there'll be another tunnel soon, so that I can smack that Frog again!" 
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The Emperor suspected they were right. But he dared not stop and so on he walked, more proudly than ever. And his courtiers behind him held high the train... that wasn't there at all.
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #53 on: 14:46:45, 13-05-2007 » |
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Robert De Niro and Jack Nicholson on Countdown .... Countdown clock ticks .... do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do, ding ! Richard - ' 'Well er, Robert, how many ? ' Robert - ' I gotta da sevennnn ' Richard - ' Right er, Jack, how many have you ? ' Jack - ' Well now Richard, I got eightaaaa' Richard - ' Whats your seven Robert ? ' Robert - ' I gotta freakin(nnnn)' ' Richard - ' Er, thats freakin' there for seven and er, whats your eight Jack ? ' Jack - ' Well Richard, I got freaking but my freakin' freakin's got a freakin' gee on the end of it so what you gonna do about that Robert ? ' Robert - ' Whatsis a gonna do ?, whatsis a gonna do ?, I'll show you's whatsis I gonna do' ...... Richard ducks, Carol swoons, machine guns fire ......... the end. Copyright 'Dead Ringers' (original radio show many moons ago) Richard Whitely RIP. |
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« Last Edit: 19:14:26, 13-05-2007 by MT Wessel »
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #54 on: 10:42:09, 18-05-2007 » |
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A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbours house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those wild mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every last bite.
All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her
>serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize.
The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.!!!!!
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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thompson1780
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« Reply #55 on: 11:52:57, 18-05-2007 » |
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Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: Wi' Jammin'
Tommo
Tommo and Sons - Purveyors of fine old jokes since 1780
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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Jonathan
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« Reply #56 on: 13:14:40, 18-05-2007 » |
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God that's terrible! (but funny)! |
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Best regards,
Jonathan
*********************************************
"as the housefly of destiny collides with the windscreen of fate..."
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Janthefan
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« Reply #57 on: 13:20:48, 18-05-2007 » |
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 Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV and drinking beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it he is confronted by a little Chinese man,clutching a clipboard and yelling "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder "You sign!You sign!" Nelson says to him "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man" and shuts the door. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, Yelling "You sign!You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting "Look, go away, you've got the wrong man, I dont want them!" and he slams the door in his face. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the little Chinese man again, thrusting a clipboard under his nose. "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completelyand he picks up the man by his shirt front and yells "Look, I dont want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?" (apologies to the Chinese nation and Mr. Mandela) |
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Live simply that all may simply live
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Morticia
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« Reply #58 on: 14:10:12, 18-05-2007 » |
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thompson1780
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« Reply #59 on: 15:50:19, 18-05-2007 » |
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Jan - I love it. You might like this.....
Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play. This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "How does that go then?"
To which he replies..... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
Tommo
"The old ones are the old ones"
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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