Tommo
Ruv it, ruv it! 

I can never remember jokes, so here's a few proverbs instead:


THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

IF THE WORLD DIDN'T SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST - THINKS SLOWEST.

I know Mart likes this type ......

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.

A friend of a friend put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie.  Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.  Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.  The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.  Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.  Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.  And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S


Tommo

"Arrggggh"

Bit of a slow night, gang...

(Sorry, John, and anyone else, if this seems a little extreme on the obscenity front, despite my asterisks; but it tickles me. I’ll remove it if it’s deemed OTT.)

The scene: the fag-end of the last set by a resident band in an old-fashioned nightclub. There are just regulars in tonight, the mood is a little low. The bandleader turns to the drinkers scattered about the place and says, ‘Ok folks, let’s have a little karaoke to finish off the evening. Anyone want to come up and belt out their favourite number? Me and the boys here know pretty much everything!’

A long pause. But eventually, one guy stands up and says, ‘Yeah, I’ll f****** sing something. Do you f****** know ‘Shadow of your smile’?’ The bandleader says, ‘Of course we know it! Which key?’

‘G f****** minor. And, I sing it in f****** 5/4.’

‘5/4?? But it’s in 4/4! Always has been!’

‘I said, I f****** sing it in 5 f****** 4, mate. Otherwise, no f****** deal.’

The band confer. Eventually they work out how to do it, the guy takes the mic, and sings.

‘The Shadow of your f****** smile,…’


<reasonably brisk stroll in general direction of coatstand>

I think there may be a F***y Ha-Ha Room by Private Members Club (Personal Messages).......

Tommo

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians (source unknown)

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time -- Parole
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third -- Your approximate grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo