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SimonSagt!
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« Reply #30 on: 18:38:56, 01-05-2007 » |
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Absolutly brilliant, Milly!!! I can hardly breathe for laughing. I love it when lawyers get shafted!!
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The Emperor suspected they were right. But he dared not stop and so on he walked, more proudly than ever. And his courtiers behind him held high the train... that wasn't there at all.
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thompson1780
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« Reply #31 on: 19:57:02, 01-05-2007 » |
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Indeed. 'Oral' is my favourite.
(Titter ye not at the back of the class)
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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martle
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« Reply #32 on: 22:06:15, 01-05-2007 » |
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Green. Always green.
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perfect wagnerite
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« Reply #33 on: 22:12:57, 01-05-2007 » |
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The following - apparently true - tale is well known in brass circles but deserves wider circulation, not least for what it tells us about the mentality of the brass-player:
"Paulo Esperanza, bass trombonist with the Uruguayan Symphony Orchestra, decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the Orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. He placed a large ignited firecracker, equivalent to a quarter stick of dynamite, into an aluminium straight mute and then inserted the mute into the bell of his trombone.
"Later, from his hospital bed, Mr Esperanza explained: 'I thought the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and focus the blast outwards.' In his haste to get his trombone up before the firecracker went off, he failed to elevate the bell high enough to give the mute sufficient arc to clear the orchestra. As a result the mute streaked through the woodwind and viola sections before slamming into the stomach of the conductor and knocking him off the podium into the audience. The folding chairs of the front row collapsed, setting off a domino effect, toppling row after row of chairs.
"Back on stage, the blast of the firecracker sent a surge of super-heated gas through the trombone to propel the slide, like a spear, into the head of an unsuspecting third clarinettist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull."
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At every one of these [classical] concerts in England you will find rows of weary people who are there, not because they really like classical music, but because they think they ought to like it. (Shaw, Don Juan in Hell)
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Il Grande Inquisitor
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« Reply #34 on: 19:50:50, 03-05-2007 » |
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Told to me today by one of my pupils:
A man drives to a petrol station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the attendant spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."
The attendant ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same petrol station. The attendant sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #35 on: 00:25:38, 04-05-2007 » |
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Thank goodness for Venetian blinds... Otherwise it would be curtains for all of us  |
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #36 on: 21:00:52, 04-05-2007 » |
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Patient: Doctor help me! I've got the most dreadful piles!
Doctor: Sorry to hear that - is that why you're sitting on that beanbag?
Patient: What beanbag?
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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trained-pianist
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« Reply #37 on: 21:05:37, 04-05-2007 » |
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I know an old Soviet joke of Brezhnev's time.
Brezhnev like presidents before and after him, talked for hours reading text.
Nobody saw him saying anything without a paper in front of him.
The joke goes: Knock, knock. Brezhnev starts looking everywhere. He checks his pockets and on the table. Then after a while he finds a piece of paper, puts on his glasses and says: Come in.
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« Last Edit: 21:28:03, 04-05-2007 by trained-pianist »
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Morticia
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« Reply #38 on: 14:12:52, 06-05-2007 » |
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Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden one morning when God comes wandering through clutching a carrier bag.
`Look I`ve pretty much got the world sorted out now but I`ve just found a couple of items that I haven`t used up yet. I wondered if you`d be interested in them?`
`What are they?` said Adam.
`Well,` says God, reaching into the bag, `This could be a useful gadget. It`s called a penis. It allows you to pee standing up and it....`
`Oh yessss! Oh pleeese, pleeese can I have it? I`ll do anything you want. Oh pleeeese!`
God looks at Eve who shrugs. `Sure. Let him have it`.
God passes it over to Adam who, thrilled to bits, rushes off in great excitement. Chortling with glee, he pees as high as he can in the nearest tree and then races off to the beach to write his name in the sand.
Eve and God watch this for a while then God turns to Eve and says `Well, there`s this other thing left over if you want it`.
`Ok`, says Eve. `What`s it called?`
`A brain` says God.
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #39 on: 18:50:05, 06-05-2007 » |
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Nice one Morticia. Wee Jimmy walks past a Glasgow sports shop with his family ..... Jimmy stops at the window saying ' Ooo I like that green and white shirt ' His mother slaps wee Jimmy saying ' No. No wee Jimmy thats a Celtic shirt ' His father scolds wee Jimmy ' Your no a son of mine the noo wee Jimmy ' His brother shouts 'up the blues !' and hits wee Jimmy whereupon wee Jimmy starts to cry saying ... ' I've only been a Celtic supporter for two minutes and I hate you Rangers barstewards already' |
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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MabelJane
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« Reply #40 on: 20:43:56, 06-05-2007 » |
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Thanks to all of you for such a great selection of jokes.  |
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Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
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martle
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« Reply #41 on: 23:02:40, 06-05-2007 » |
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I'm sure you all know it already, but this is my fave of the great canon of viola jokes out there: Violist gets back from a piano recital. His wife: So how was it, Lionel? [Little in-joke there!] Violist: It was fantastic! It started with a great Beethoven piece, Fur Elise, which began with a REALLY fast trill!  |
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Green. Always green.
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roslynmuse
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« Reply #42 on: 23:16:43, 06-05-2007 » |
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Martle - Which reminds me of how you get the leader of the viola section to play with vibrato - write "solo" over the part... |
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Ian Pace
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« Reply #43 on: 23:20:43, 06-05-2007 » |
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The greatest viola joke of all time is the viola solo (nearly 7 minutes, practically all on the tailpiece) from Lachenmann's first string quartet Gran Torso.
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'These acts of keeping politics out of music, however, do not prevent musicology from being a political act . . .they assure that every apolitical act assumes a greater political immediacy' - Philip Bohlman, 'Musicology as a Political Act'
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MabelJane
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« Reply #44 on: 23:21:39, 06-05-2007 » |
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His wife: So how was it, Lionel? [Little in-joke there!
This makes me - many many years ago, as a little boy, my dad had viola lessons from her!!! |
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Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
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