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Chafing Dish
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« Reply #90 on: 06:01:39, 27-05-2007 » |
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And from Groucho don't forget: Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana. and Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.  |
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Peter Grimes
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« Reply #91 on: 14:34:53, 04-06-2007 » |
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Once upon a time, deep in the dark, dark forest, there lived three bears - there was Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear and little Baby Bear.
One morning Daddy Bear came down to breakfast but when he saw the empty table he growled angrily:
“Someone’s eaten all of my porridge!”
When Baby Bear came down and saw the empty table he burst into tears and cried:
“Someone’s eaten all of MY porridge!”
Then Mummy Bear came in from the kitchen and said:
“You stupid bastards! I haven’t made it yet!”
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"On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #92 on: 23:12:13, 04-06-2007 » |
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Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #93 on: 23:13:51, 04-06-2007 » |
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Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie. "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,
>she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #94 on: 08:09:55, 05-06-2007 » |
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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #95 on: 01:20:34, 14-06-2007 » |
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What's the difference between a JCB and a male giraffe ? Well ... er ... ones got hydraulics ...  |
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #96 on: 11:15:06, 15-06-2007 » |
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #97 on: 11:16:32, 15-06-2007 » |
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A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at' ?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son 'Boy................ ..go get ya' mamma..............'
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #98 on: 11:17:59, 15-06-2007 » |
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Letter to Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State,
Department for Environment,
Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR
15 June, 2007
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. >As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.
Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases.
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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perfect wagnerite
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« Reply #99 on: 18:37:50, 15-06-2007 » |
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Letter to Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State,
Department for Environment,
Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR
15 June, 2007
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. >As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.
Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases.
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
Letter to Ms Molly James Somewhere North of Watford Dear Ms Johns Thank you for your letter to the Secretary of State, to which I have been asked to reply [Translation: Because you are not an MP or a corporate bigwig your letter went nowhere near the Secretary of State and has been sent to the bottom of the food-chain - i.e. me - for reply. It has been sitting under my mouse-mat for three weeks and has now developed an intriguing array of tea stains]The Government takes the issue of agricultural subsidies seriously. [Translation: your question is too difficult so instead of an answer you will get a "standard line" vaguely related to the subject.] Levels of subsidy are set by the European Union and we continue to press the case for a more rational system in negotiations. [Translation: Blame it all on Brussels.] However, you will understand that these negotiations are complex and difficult and we cannot expect rapid changes to the Common Agricultural Policy overnight. [Translation: The French are much better at this Brussels lark than we are and run rings around us every time.]We are however grateful for the points you raise. Thank you for taking the trouble to write. [Translation: You're a member of the public. What do you know about it]Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any more queries. Translation: Go away]Yours sincerely A Lowly-Penpusher |
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At every one of these [classical] concerts in England you will find rows of weary people who are there, not because they really like classical music, but because they think they ought to like it. (Shaw, Don Juan in Hell)
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Soundwave
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« Reply #100 on: 19:26:24, 15-06-2007 » |
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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
Notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little Ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the Middle. The
girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being Pulled by her
dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That
sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices
the girl has tied The wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell
you how to Run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but Then I wouldn't have a siren.
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Ho! I may be old yet I am still lusty
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roslynmuse
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« Reply #101 on: 20:46:49, 15-06-2007 » |
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A little bit naughty... but rather nice:
An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Ester looks up and says, 'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Ester replies..................'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat.
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martle
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« Reply #102 on: 22:08:53, 15-06-2007 » |
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rm  It's the way ya tell 'em!! |
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Green. Always green.
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #103 on: 11:12:59, 17-06-2007 » |
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In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundrette:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Subject: Daft Questions
Why is "Grecian 2000" only for men?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow how cold will it be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If man evolved from monkey and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called the tourist season if you can't shoot them?
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #104 on: 16:15:23, 18-06-2007 » |
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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other.".
He said That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre diving board, did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said "That was incredible!".
He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
Then she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps, she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?".
"No", she replied, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool , but I worked both sides of the river."
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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