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Milly Jones
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« Reply #105 on: 16:18:12, 18-06-2007 » |
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A farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't, He went into town."
"Well, is your mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with mom and dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for dad."
"Well, I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Pa about that. If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Soundwave
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« Reply #106 on: 17:09:01, 19-06-2007 » |
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Ho!
A contract painter was getting ready to paint a house and its rooms. The
owner walked into the living room and said: "I want this a yellowy colour"
So the contractor noted this and went to the window and shouted out:
"GREEN SIDE UP". The owner ignored this. He said, as he walked into his
hallway: "I want this a jet black colour" So the contractor noted it and
again went to the window and shouted: "GREEN SIDE UP". The owner was again
ignoring this. When he went into the kitchen, and said "I want this a nice
brick red colour", the contractor again went to the window and shouted
"GREEN SIDE UP". The owner said to him "Why do you keep shouting 'green
side up'?" The contractor replied "Oh, I have a bunch of Essex Girls
laying turf across the street!"
(with apologies to Essex girls)
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Ho! I may be old yet I am still lusty
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Soundwave
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« Reply #107 on: 17:11:21, 19-06-2007 » |
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Here's one specifically for "A".
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
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Ho! I may be old yet I am still lusty
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Andy D
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« Reply #108 on: 18:35:06, 19-06-2007 » |
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What goes tick tick woof?
A dog marking homework.
(Graeme Garden on ISIHAC)
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thompson1780
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« Reply #109 on: 13:10:05, 20-06-2007 » |
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For tinners.........
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are near to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget."
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... ees a Ham Bush"
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #110 on: 09:15:59, 22-06-2007 » |
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil..
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine
coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to
worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the
finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #111 on: 09:17:46, 22-06-2007 » |
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30 THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO SAY IN A COUNCIL MEETING ...
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. This is good!
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21. Do I look like a people person?
22. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
23. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
24. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
25. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
26. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
27. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one?
28. Too many clowns not enough circuses.
29. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
30. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
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Jonathan
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« Reply #112 on: 10:55:21, 22-06-2007 » |
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Milly,  |
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Best regards,
Jonathan
*********************************************
"as the housefly of destiny collides with the windscreen of fate..."
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #113 on: 21:26:20, 25-06-2007 » |
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.... I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse!)  |
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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MabelJane
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« Reply #114 on: 21:33:38, 25-06-2007 » |
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Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
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increpatio
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« Reply #115 on: 00:34:28, 26-06-2007 » |
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hah...funny moment of my night: some piece of music came on to my ipod in shuffle mode that I didn't recognise; I looked down at it:
Strauss: Ein Apfelsinfonie
I blinked and looked again:
Strauss: Eine Alpensinfonie
hmm. Think I need some sleep.
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #116 on: 16:57:48, 26-06-2007 » |
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I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #117 on: 22:52:45, 26-06-2007 » |
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Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling for example, celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Cheryl listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Cheryl's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"
Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.....
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increpatio
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« Reply #118 on: 22:58:07, 26-06-2007 » |
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Oh milly, you are terribly naughty.
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thompson1780
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« Reply #119 on: 16:05:41, 02-07-2007 » |
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I read a book on the Riemann Hypothesis once, which had this joke on page 212. A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve topologists here".
The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets and idea and performs Dehn surgery* upon herself. She walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognise her seeing as she is now in a different manifold, serves her a drink.
However, the bartender thinks she looks familiar (or at least locally similar) and asks "Aren't you that topologist that just came in here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
* Dehn surgery is defined as the operation of drilling a tubular neighbourhood of a knot in S3 and then gluing in a solid torus so that its meridian curve goes to a (p,q)-curve on the torus boundary of the knot exterior. Every compact connected 3-manifold comes from Dehn surgery on a link in S3 Ha ha de ha ha.... Actually, the funnier thing was when I sent it to a friend at work, he wrote back: 0011110010101101010111111111111110010101111001000001011
0110101
001
To which the obvious reply was That's a 'bit' funny
Cheers! Tom-slow day in the office (Inching towards the coat stand) |
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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