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Milly Jones
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« Reply #75 on: 22:15:07, 21-05-2007 » |
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your
parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #76 on: 22:16:29, 21-05-2007 » |
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Three contractors are bidding to buildafence; one from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third from Quebec.
They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, "$2,700."
The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Quebec contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to do the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #77 on: 22:17:25, 21-05-2007 » |
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One day at kindergarten the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was t he most famous man who ever> lived."
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "I'm sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $10."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
Marvin replied, "Well in my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business".
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Morticia
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« Reply #78 on: 22:21:10, 21-05-2007 » |
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #79 on: 00:19:25, 23-05-2007 » |
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Milly
Er ... Render unto Ceasar that which is Ceasars .....
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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richard barrett
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« Reply #80 on: 23:15:27, 23-05-2007 » |
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an egg wakes up next to a chicken and says: "well that answers that question"
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trained-pianist
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« Reply #81 on: 23:54:35, 23-05-2007 » |
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A proverb: Eggs should not teach chicken how to live.
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roslynmuse
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« Reply #82 on: 23:59:14, 23-05-2007 » |
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an egg wakes up next to a chicken and says: "well that answers that question"
Richard - eggscruciating... a thoroughly bad yolk... But  all the same! |
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #83 on: 00:21:20, 24-05-2007 » |
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Er .... Is that not a chicken and hen situation .... ? Or .... Does the chicken wake up next to the egg and start philosophising .... ?  |
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« Last Edit: 00:53:53, 24-05-2007 by MT Wessel »
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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Kittybriton
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« Reply #84 on: 01:45:34, 24-05-2007 » |
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Q:Why did the chicken cross the road? A:It didn't actually cross the road, it was all a ghastly misunderstanding... cue chicken dance...   |
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« Last Edit: 01:48:36, 24-05-2007 by Kittybriton »
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Click me -> About meor me -> my handmade storeNo, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish. |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #85 on: 10:06:13, 24-05-2007 » |
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied,
"I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty Quid is fifty quid."
One year Morris said,
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied,
"Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but as you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #86 on: 10:08:26, 24-05-2007 » |
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Some gems of wisdom....
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
> - Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
> (Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
> -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. ?I think of them as stray eyebrows.
> - Janette Barber-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
> - Erma Bombeck -
Old age ain't no place for sissies
> -Bette Davis-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
> - Caryn Leschen -
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
> -Catherine-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
> - Roseanne Barr-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
> - Maryon Pearson-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
> -Eleanor Roosevelt-
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #87 on: 20:33:57, 25-05-2007 » |
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Milly. Your jest #75 about 'The parrots of the night' reminds me of the following absolutely disgusting jest ... Warning this jest contains 'adult themes' and must not be read before the watershedIt's the one about the prostitute who kept fancy cage birds as a hobby and, although she'd never had a parrot, she'd had a cockatoo .. |
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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MT Wessel
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« Reply #88 on: 19:34:11, 26-05-2007 » |
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I must apologise for #87. I was completely sober and have no excuse. Two football supporters watching rugby on TV .... Tommy - ' Hens teeth Tony did you see that tackle, disgraceful, should be sent off ..' Tony - ' Thats nothing that Tommy it's a rough game that rugby .. ' Tommy - ' Your telling me mate. Have you seen the shape of the ball when they've finished ? ' |
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lignum crucis arbour scientiae
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #89 on: 19:36:06, 26-05-2007 » |
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Some wonderful Groucho Marx quotations:
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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