From Max A. Spersions, Head of Casting, BBC Drama.


Dear Roger,

What's this message I've received all about? Don't you know that it's the worst time of the year for casting? Every thesp. who hasn't secured a part in Panto will doubtless be working flat out in retail, so finding ten of anything at short notice won't be that easy. You specify "Lords": well that's not so difficult, I suppose, there must be a few distinguished-looking old codgers we could prise out of retirement: however, the 'a-Leaping' bit does complicate matters a touch. These aristocratic look-alikes are, by their very nature, likely to be less sprightly than they once were, and those who are still nimble on their pins are the very ones likely to be in Panto. Ten lords a-limping might be rather closer to the mark, but even then we might have to compromise with the odd zimmerframe or wheelchair.

 In view of the delicate nature of some of these souls, it would be advisable to provide on-site emergency nursing attention, and we'll need disabled access, not to mention a plentiful supply of conveniences or commodes within easy reach. I'll remind you that Equity rules specify three hour sessions with at least one fifteen minute break, and that there will be a mandatory extra fee unless costumes are provided (in which case, you'll need to contact Wardrobe or a Hire company).  Potable water must be provided, and unless there are catering facilities nearby, refreshment facilities are your responsbility. 

I've called The Spotlight and a variety of agents, and there'll be an open audition tomorrow, which of course you will be expected to attend. It is very short notice of course, so you may find that we have to co-opt staff internally to make up the numbers... But you know our strap-line: We don't make a crisis out of a drama, so I'm sure nothing can go wrong!

Yours,
Max

Dear Mr Wright,

Just a quick note as I'm going to make it up to you: I've surmised that you need ten lords a-leaping, and since I've just come up to Lancashire for the final of the G&S Celebrity Reality Show, done in front of a live audience - (Trial by Bury) to pick up the props from their production of Iolanthe, and found that everyone wants to get home as soon as possible, I've done a deal: I'll give them all a lift in the van tonight, in exchange for them doing us the favour of playing your leaping lords: I've got Peers of the Realm here who've even got the right costumes, and it won't cost you a penny! (Well, maybe the odd round of drinks....)

Cheers,

Noël

Internal Memo from the Publicity Dept, BBC.

Dearest Roger,

You'll be delighted to know that I've put out a few feelers and have already found you a few real Lords from the world of entertainment, who will happily appear on your show for a  case of your excellent malt. The Lords Archer, Attenborough, Bragg and (particularly aptly) Lloyd-Webber should be with you, and stepping down a rung, there'll be a smattering of Sirs, too, Wogan for starters: I'm sorry that I won't have the full list until closer to the day, but I'm sure I'll get some more big names. I've arranged a photographer so that we can do a nice spread for BBC Music Mag, and with those high-profilers we might make some of the dailies, too.

All love

Salome Silver, (your 'dishy' one)
Asst. Head of Publicity,
St John's Wood

Dear Mr Coward,

Following the 10th Day of Christmas fiasco, which resulted in the programme on Lord Berners being curtailed as a result of the batting collapse at Lords, I am now writing to complain about your handling of the 11th Day of Christmas Composer of the Week feature on Charles Ives.

I’ve tried contacting your staff, but there are all in a meeting – a Camp Meeting if the tone of previous correspondence is anything to go by. You may recall that I specifically asked for a windband, so you can imagine my dismay when 11 pipers turned up. Are all your staff potato heads?

Luckily each piper was playing in a different key, so at least there was some degree of verisimilitude. Unfortunately, the noise they made led to several complaints and the police were called. The pipers tried hiding, but were spotted by a sharp-eyed police officer (“They are There!”, he said to his colleagues).

As you’ll know, there are some very influential people living in the area and the complaints have gone to the highest level. As an American composer was involved, there was pressure on the FCO to make a formal complaint to the United States government. However, in view of the fact that the noise was being made by pipers, the matter has now been referred to the Sporran Secretary.

Make sure you get the 12th day right or I’ll have you drummed out!

Roger Wright
Hanover Square North
W1

Dear Ms Ary,

Given recent staffing and pay issues, I thought that you would be writing from The Cut (SE1) rather than Cheapside.

Turning to the points raised in your letter, the fault lies entirely with you and the props department. As Steve Reich was the subject of my 12th Day of Christmas Composer of the Week, I gave you specific instructions to avoid overcrowding by asking you to tell the drummers to arrive at the studios by taking Different Trains to Oxford Circus. They ignored this and thus arrived at the same time. Matters were made worse when the props department only delivered Six Marimbas.

Tempers were thus becoming increasingly frayed. I was particularly shocked by the boorish attitude of the French percussionists towards our guest, Father Hogg, the Drummers’ Union chaplain – “Père Cochon, Père Cochon”, they kept shouting.

The catering arrangements also left at lot to be desired. As you know, BBC catering is now gastronomically themed and when I called Col in Curry, I was told that he had run out of rice. As a result, we had to make do with drumsticks from the KFC in Great Portland Street, and many of the percussionists complained that the meat tasted of goose or swan rather than chicken – as you can understand, this put me in a very awkward position.

This latest disaster has done little to enhance my reputation and I am now attending a retraining course examining how previous controllers ran the network.

Roger Wright
Drummond Gate SW1

Dear Ms Pinching,

I am in receipt of your itemised list of props and the payments due to your props department. It has been passed to me because of concerns over the inclusion of a number of French hens.

Our esteemed M Rameau was your 3rd Day of Christmas Composer of the Week and you may recall that he brought his own French hens. Following his disgraceful treatment at the BBC’s hands he and his three hens have now returned to France.

I have referred this matter to my justice minister and any attempt by you to instigate extradition proceedings against the hens will be vigorously opposed.

However, I do not want to appear uncooperative on this issue. As you know, this is French Export Week (to mark our recent sales of Airbuses to countries with dubious human rights records) and I have been in touch with two of our leading entrepreneurs who are prepared to offer seasonal discounts on orders from your props department. M Poulenc will be in touch shortly to discuss his range of animaux modèles and M Messiaen has already posted his catalogue d’oiseaux to you.

The theme of French Export Week is “Maid in France” and we may also be able to throw in one of the maids you are seeking, albeit a fire-damaged one. Given the yuletide season, we can also arrange delivery by reindeer – please contact me at the address below if you would take to discuss this option.

François Fillon
Rue de Rennes
Paris 75006

PS My congratulations on the completion of the major rail infrastructure works, which have dramatically reduced train journey times from St Pancras. I believe that you can now reach Hammersmith in just over two hours.

Dear Mr Thompson,


Before I make my final decision regarding your offer (which has come like a bolt from the blue) I have a very important question which must be asked: should I accept this tempting position, will I have any say in the choice of presenter? I have my own reasons for asking this, though I have been swean to secrecy.... (Oh, and where would my office be? I'm very partial to a room with a view.)

Yours sincerely,

Noel Coward,
Porthmadog,
Gwynedd.

P.S. Might offering you a dozen fruit trees for your orchard be considered a bribe? If not, do you care for pears? (We seem to have rather an overstock situation in our department at the moment.)