Dead easy to make, Mort, though as usual, there's no set recipe; Uncle Ron hits the kitchen and improvises around a basic plan.

In a large saucepan, I put in a small dollop of olive oil, and turned the gas on low. I added some ground coriander, cumin, turmeric and whole fennel seeds and let them stew gently before adding a large onion, chopped; and one each of similarly sectioned leek, celery and carrot. The whole lot left to sweat on a low heat until the onion and leek are translucent. At this point a whole cauli, chopped roughly into bits, is introduced, and turned until it looks as if it's all been coated with the oil. And enough water to cover everything. then bring it up to the boil: turn back to a low simmer until the cauli's soft, then mash the contents with a spud-basher and/or whizz with a hand blender. I added some plain tofu last night before bashing, and sometimes I add a bit of the Marigold stock powder, should I require a bit more oomph to the flavour. Lastly, in goes some grated cheese - a half fat strong cheddar yesterday - followed by some chopped baby spinach leaves. Very simple, very substantial.

Me goats cheese have do vanished!  I packed my shopping carefully, dried in one bag (rice, pots, onions) chilled in another (cream, butter, milk, parmesan, Italian blue and goat)  Put chilled bag in fridge at work, came home, left shopping in hall, went to unpack just now, who has had it away with the goats cheese?  It ain't there!

Rowlocks, I am at the mo sweating off the onions and stuff, preparing to put the rice in and turn it transclucent before putting a glug of vino in and then the simmering stock.  My girls ain't amused either at the thought that I will probably have an Italian cheese at the end of cooking.  Oh well, needs must, off to supervise things.

Got Pet Shop Boys discography on my cordless phones now, Father it's a Sin, yes it is a Sin - where is me Chevre?

Do not distract me Sister Morticia, Oh Ye of Little Faith, I think the end result will be orgasmic to say the least.

This is creative cookery without the use of tinned mince 

I shall now retire and enjoy the fruits of me labours.

So what could possibly go wrong? 

Fair enough, 1 and 2 would suck a bit but there's nothing really wrong with 3 if you've had 4-5 G&Ts is there? 

My risotto was outstanding.  The velvet creaminess of the rice, the saltiness of the pancetta, the earthiness of the celery.  Scoffed the lot and thought a risotto a week is the answer to a Maiden's Prayer.

Celebrity  Chefs?  They should do a programme about us.

Tomorrow, Chez Anty, a gammon joint will be barely simmering, more of a slatternly slothful blip in fact.  Her pinkly glowing flesh hugged tightly with fennel, carrot and onion.  Firm young onions will be basking, baking, in their organic cream overcoats, snuggled down with freshly grated Parmesan, a joyful Savoy cabbage will be delighted with the crushed juniper berries employed and King Edwards will be imploring to be lashed and mashed with plentiful supplies of butter.

Sunday, the gammon, pinkly glowing, moisture oozing from the heart, a pearl in fact, thickly sliced and served with bubble and squeak and English mustard.

Sorry, I have to lie down now.

The books that I have here are Nigella Lawson's How to Eat, Nigel Slater's Appetite, Pat Chapman's Curry Club Indian Restaurant Cookbook and Anissa Helou's Lebanese Cuisine. Everything else (including my scrapbook of recipes) is still in Durham. I've been contemplating getting a Rick Stein book recently. When I stay with people I inevitably gravitate to their cookbooks and I spent many happy hours salivating my way through my oldest brother's Taste of the Sea.

Anty, that sounds absolutely marvellous.

Gastro-Porn?  No, just an enjoyment of food she said, whilst slicing the fennel into quarters, Oh, the sight of those green fronds in the middle made her seek them out, and then before she knew it her sharp white teeth were tearing at the inner sections and her mouth was filled, transfused, with the taste of aniseed balls reminding her of that night in Umbria

Ahem.  As you were.