Doesn't say much about R3 but,
On radio: Where wit was king, celebrity now rules
Gillian Reynolds at www.telegraph.co.uk/arts/Oe'r Portland Place flies Fairy Gill, of Radioland the sprite
Born aloft on icy gales above the building site advertisement
Of what was once the BBC but now's a yawning gap
Between Broadcasting House and its new wing on the map
Of what will be eventual home to all the scattered host
Of News, World Service and those souls of whom the Beeb will boast
Work hand-in-hand to bring us quite the best of public service
A claim which makes e'en boldest bosses positively nervous.
For cuts are now a way of life across the BBC
And radio's a sufferer as all will quite agree
Who've had the chance this Christmas to listen and remark
That all the networks have been rather fumbling in the dark
For new ideas, fresh talent, bold ideas given reign,
The absence of all which has caused Fairy Gill much pain.
She's noted that, where wit was king, celebrity now rules
And wisdom, knowledge, expertise, o'erthrown by gangs of fools
Who puff and burble everywhere for massive sacks of gold
Drawn out from the licence fee. The Fairy's blood runs cold.
But not for long since, practical, she bends her elfin mind
On how to bow to fashion and not be left behind
As talent heads and agents now dictate who will preside
O'er airwaves newly drowning in celebrity's strong tide.
"A makeover is what we need," the Fairy now declares
And with her wand upon the air a glittering list prepares.
Melvyn Bragg, you're fired. "In Our Celebrity Time" is here
With Jordan and her helpful spouse to catch the nation's ear.
"The Archers" can accommodate Jade Goody at Grange Farm,
Amy Winehouse on "The Choir" will cause no great alarm
At Radio 3, where ratings will start soaring right away
While Radio 4 hits back with Charlotte Church in a new play
By Radio 1's Chris Moyles, with help from talented Posh Spice.
"Front Row" becomes "Love Row" with Mark Lawson being nice
To couples who seek soulmates to go dating in the arts.
He'll soon become acknowledged as the nation's King of Hearts.
Eddie Mair will co-present "PM" with Simon Cowell
On Five Live Richard Bacon cedes his seat to Tessa Jowell
Who nightly to the sleepless will present a sizzling chat
About her own Olympics - texts and emails, please, on that!
Podcasts? They'll abound, with Paul O'Grady to provide
Trade data and exchange rates, a complete financial guide.
For politics, it's Titchmarsh; for "You & Yours", it's Brand…
The Fairy paused to muse if this was getting out of hand
But, smiling, saw how much in tune her little plan might be
And sent the Beeb a huge bill, signed Consultant, Fairy G.
