Following the decision of Five Live to move to Salford, Radio 3 today announced that it was moving out of London and relocating to Boston.

Commenting on the move Radio 3 boss, Roger Wright, said: “the decision to move to Boston follows a comprehensive review involving months of consultation. Over this period I have received thousands of messages telling me where to go. Boston is ideally suited to the new Radio 3 as it is the home of Blue Line Trailers, one of the UK’s biggest manufacturers in its field. As someone who is well-grounded in musical matters I also know that it is home to a world-famous symphony orchestra. No doubt there will be people who will question my decision, but I’m certain that they will be stumped to find anywhere better and that their suggestions just won’t wash. I am also pleased that the move will herald a season devoted to composers with Lincolnshire connections, starting with Peter Scun thorpe as Composer of the Week. To this end I was delighted to receive a telegram from the Percy Grainger Society, but I think that there was a transmission error somewhere as it referred to me as a ‘Lincolnshire Poser’…”

Keeping up the peripatetic theme, Mr Wright also announced that the proms would become a touring event. “The proms have become too London centric”, he said. “Under my plans each night’s venue will be determined by the title of the piece being played. Unfortunately, ‘Three Places in New England’ is turning out to be a logistical nightmare and there will be no further proms performances of Mozart’s Jupiter symphony until space travel technology is improved.”

Dearest Amanda,

I'm really terribly sorry to break this news to you, but our summer of love appears to have been thwarted by Roger Wright's decision to create his Roving Proms this year. Instead of being in the RAH night after night and scuttling back to Balham for cocoa and cuddles, it now appears that the viola and I are to be sent hither and yon due to this new 'do the work in the right location' initiative. The first night should be possible with RVW2 at the RAH, but then we're doing Bush's Guildford Symphony followed by Haydn 92 on the third day and all three of Honegger's short pieces the day after that. They tried to show me where we would be going on a map, but there were just too many lines and dots on it for me to follow, and all those colours didn't help at all. I don't think it will be very far to go each day, though Adam says it will be no short ride in a fast machine, rather longer and slower. If I can keep my mobile charged up (and remember to turn it  on) then I can send you kisses every night, though....

Lots of love and cuggies,

Jeremy (and Violet the viola)

Dear Mr Jeremy,

You London types appear to be far too grand to have surnames. Well let me tell you, as long as the Lincolnshire leg of Mr Wright's peripatetic proms continues you'll be in the pay of the County Council - so you'll do as you're told.

We've already had to pay half of this year's pea harvest revenue to finance the Radio 3 relocation package to Boston and I don't want any of our other cultural initiatives put in jeopardy.

I am, of course, referring to the forthcoming proms tour involving Bernard Haitink. He only agreed to this when we told him that the tour would cover South Holland, so when he finds out that his ship will be docking at Immingham rather than Rotterdam he'll be in a foul mood and I don't want your surly demeanour to make things worse.

I told him no early music stuff, so when he does go to the south of the county we'll need to avoid the Scheidt hitting the fen. As you'll know, we're going for contemporary - which is why we've booked Truls Mørk to play some minimalist pieces (where there's  Mørk there's Glass, as we say in these parts).

If it makes things easier you can bring that fancy lady friend of yours with you. If she goes astray, don't worry - there's a lost lady found section at Lincoln Central.

Obadiah Osbaldeston-Ginsberg (Cllr)
County Hall
Lincoln

Dear Sir,

As a local resident I am writing to object to any suggestion that the “Grand Canyon Suite”  be performed in Lincoln Cathedral. References to undulating landscapes are liable to upset residents of the area  it's bad enough that we have to cope with one hill without hearing about them all the time. Could we keep the choices nice and flat please?

My personal preference would be for "I've got a brand new combine harvester" which I think is probably by Beetroot-hoven or one of them lot.

Best,

Audrey Marriedmebrother

Dear Ms Marriedmebrother,

I regret to inform you that my colleague, A Wright-Burke, choked on one of the county’s famous sausages earlier today and is currently indisposed.

Your letter has been passed to me and from its contents I suspect that it is part of the campaign against Mr Grofé. Indeed, Mr Grofé shares my suspicions and believes that the campaign is orchestrated - and he should know.

News of his planned concert in Lincoln led to riots around the cathedral and resulted in Glass all over the place. The repair bill from the specialist glazier, Church Windows (prop: O Respighi), was enormous and the insurers won't pay out. Consequently, we've had to foot the bill by drawing on the Lincolnshire Proms budget. This has meant the abandonment of the Lincs Proms Programme.

I have written to Mr Jay to say that he and his viola can now stay in Balham. Never having been beyond Spalding I had to look the place up. According to Elgar's Guide to London Suburbs it is described as the "gateway to in the South" so I'm sure that he and his lady friend will have a pleasant time there.

In desperation I turned to the Classic FM Guide to Modern Culture to see if I could organise a poetry event to compensate for the cancelled proms. Luckily, it lists Alan Ginsberg as a Beet poet and describes him as "one of Lincolnshire's finest and possibly related to a prominent county councillor" - so there'll now be a series of readings across the county.

I note with concern previous correspondents' unfortunate encounters with sausages, so I'm taking no chances and am having eggs for breakfast - thus I'm now on the look out for a Lincolnshire poacher.

Kay Storr
Cultural Services Dept (Wolds Section)
Lincolnshire County Council

Dear Ms Hatto,

On behalf of the Cambridgeshire Percy Grainger Festival I would like to apologise for the unfortunate printing error in which the "G" was replaced by a "B" in the following entry for the towns hosting themed events:

Gum Suckers - March

As a result we will not be able to accommodate your proms tour, as all the town's hotels are now fully booked for the foreseeable future.

Mayor Lee Honda-Shaw
Town Mayor & Hon. President

Dear Mr Delicious,

Erm, yes well, it's an absolute Outrage.  Bumble bumble.  London is getting a very raw deal from this sham of an idea.  We demand more than Haydn,Vaughan Willie, and perhaps Elgar for such a glorious cultural centre.

So, I have decided to rename the city once the first round of concerts has been completed.  Personally I have a penchant for early Donizetti operas, especially that Emilia di thingumybob.  The confusion of Bendy Buses on the streets of Lammermoor is a small price to pay for a greater cultural experience for Lammermoorians.

After that I will be renaming again to experience that wonderful work by George Lloyd "The Forest of Arden".  I hope that will please my previous constituents (That is where I represented isn't it.)

Yours bumblingly

The Right-Honorouble Boris Johnson
Mayor of London, Liverpuddle, Lammermoor, Henle Publishing, Night