There were sensational developments in Court 13 this afternoon as the defence was given leave to call a surprise expert witness, Mr Archie Meades, in the case of Regina v. Heraclitus. Mr Justice Cocklecarrot, in an unprecedented move which has sent shockwaves throughout the legal profession and beyond, allowed Mr Meades to present his evidence in aqua on condition that he was suitably attired in bathing drawers. Before Mr Meades, an authority on Ethical Hydraulics, was wheeled in to the witness box in a large near-overflowing bath, Mr Justice Cocklecarrot gave a stern warning to both Counsel that, although matters of great moment were at stake, no splashing would be countenanced in his court.

However, scarcely had Mr Meades and his attendants taken the stand to wild cheers (quickly suppressed) from the gallery than Mr Meades let out a strange exclamation (transcribed by the Court Stenographer as "Ulrika!"), leapt from the witness box and ran dripping from the court room. Amid uproar Mr Justice Cocklecarrot declared the cross-examination sub-liquidum non ablutum (citing Bludge v. Rimmer and others) and adjourned proceedings sed legundum.

The case continues.

Hmm, anyone here written for Beachcomber, by the way...?

The barman leaned forward, polishing a spotless glass.
"So, 'ow didjaw day in court go?"

Aloysius Blot gazed morosely into a half-empty pint.
"Judge says I was 'in violation of my probation', bein' wif Archie down by the river. Dunno wot the country's comin' to if a bloke can't go mudlarkin' wifout the rozzers feelin' 'is collar. I tole 'em I did; everybody knows them Thames oysters produce pearls. Thames oysters is world famous for their pearls they is."

"So what'd they take you in for? you being a law-abiding citizen going about your lawful business an' all."

"Well, they says Thames oysters ain't never yet produced pearls neatly graded on a string wif a sterling silver closure".