It is clear, you have been touched by greatness, hh, and I would like to make a gesture in honour of your groundbreaking conception of the nature of identity by declaring that between the hours of 4 and 6 am this morning I will be available as a Gerald, and should anybody wish to refer to me as such they have only to go ahead and do so. I admit that in the very act of  engeraldment, I find myself now slightly wondering about a Haroldness that I will never know. But the die is cast, and it as Gerald I offer myself now to this fraught and wheezy world.

GERBIL WARS
Episode 7

Today I would like to salute all those gerbils who fell in the Great Gerbil War of 1984, not only Harolds but also Geralds, not only Geralds but also Harolds.

By the time that war broke out on February 16th, tension between a small group of elitist Geralds and their indentured Harolds on the west coast of Scotland spilled over the border into Cumbria. At first it was hoped that the violence could be contained, but a whispering campaign started by a hamster soon roused all Harolds across the UK to raise paws against their oppressors.

Looking back, this was inevitable, and it was clear that the discussions regarding equal rights between the two groups was going slower than anyone could wish or hope.

The war in the UK was a spark in the tinderbox of worldwide gerbil discontent. Harolds rose up all over the globe. People still remember the sight of Harolds marching side by side in Berlin (April 2nd), pacifist Harolds standing silently in the centre of Canberra (April 4th) as one by one they were carted off to secure cages, and the single Gerald who held off hundreds of Harolds in the Battle of Tokyo (May 6th), using only a cheese straw as his defence.

A pre-emptive strike by Geralds in Canada (May 8th) was so violent that it left the world reeling with shock and caused the Geralds of Singapore to begin the long process of peace talks. At first, progress was slow and many feared that peace between gerbils would never be seen again, but after a landmark summit (May 19th), an important agreement was reached in Patagonia, and the first foundation of the worldwide Gerbil Parliament was laid. Gerbils all over the world soon fell in line with the new charter and vowed never to go to war again.

While there still exist pockets of rebel Geralds, who refuse to accept that the world has changed, and there are rumours of tribes of Harolds in central Russia who will kill a Gerald on sight, the gerbil-next-door lives at peace once more.

Next week: Gerbil equality legislation (passed July 26th 1984); what does it mean to me?

This broadcast was brought to you by the House of Harold & Harold.
Praying for a miracle since 1978.

I have heard that people in the shires are now openly saying that the once unassailable confidence in the Harold-Gerald entente that has held sway in the Home Counties for many years, is now beginning to fray at the edges, and some even whisper that the 'Ask not what Gerald can do for you - ask what you can do for Gerald'  and 'How did you get on in 1066 then?' badges, that were once a common sight in the dark years of the Gerald Wars are now being dusted off and polished up ready for use once again.

Word is also circulating ('Mum! Look, there's a circulating word!') that after a decades-long dormancy, the Chalfont St Giles chapter of the Hells Geralds has resumed activities and are to stage a sit-down mower rally through the streets of Gerrards Cross. People are being warned to keep their gerbils inside for the duration of the duration's duration.

These are uncomfortable times.

[bzzzzzzzzzz]
[click]

GERALD: Good evening and welcome to the evening news.
GERALD: It is with extreme sadness that we report the death of Harold Birmingham earlier this morning.
GERALD: Indeed. Extreme sadness. [sad face]
GERALD: [sad face] Prime Minister Birmingham was assaulted by a rouge Harold who was seeking to protest against legislation soon to be brought to the floor of the House of Gerbils by Gerald Gerald, deputy Prime Minister, and supported by Harold Birmingham. This, very minor alteration to our national constitution will entail minor restrictions on the freedoms of Harolds in an attempt to reverse recent excesses.
GERALD: Indeed. Harold Sinclair (know as Harold the King of Harolds) has been detained by Gerbil Police in an attempt to discover if there is a larger conspiracy at work behind his actions. He has so far remained resistant to questioning. Gerald McDonald will be back at 10 for an exclusive interview.
GERALD: Indeed. Exclusive interview. [cheesy grin - lots of teeth]
GERALD: Following Harold Birmingham's sudden and horrific demise [sad face], Gerald Gerald has been unanimously appointed as Prime Minister. Gerald Gerald has proved through a lifetime of campaigning for Gerald-rights and a strong history of legislation in the House, that he is a strong gerbil to lead parliament into a future ridden with conflict and error.
GERALD: Indeed. We now go to our Geneva correspondent, Harold Simpson, who will give us an insight into the Harold side of the story.

HAROLD: Thank you Gerald. It is [bzz] a sad [bzzz] day indeed when I [bzzzzzzz] stand in [bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] a nation [bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

[click]

GERALD: Oh dear. Our live satellite link seems to be malfunctioning. We'll try to get back to Harold Simpson later on in the programme.
GERALD: Indeed. This just in. Documents found in the House of Harold & Harold indicate that Harold Birmingham was in fact christened Gerald Birmingham, but that in the interests of popularising his campaign at a time of increased hostility towards Geralds he changed his name to Harold. We will return after these adverts with reactions from the public.
GERALD: Indeed. Enjoy that cup of tea now.

[credits]