More to do with crime, no doubt and everything else that goes with it.

Last night I was apocalyptically grumpy, in fact my position was somewhere between here and the Totally Devastated room. So I thought I had better not post anything until matters improved, given that I was also in a sleep-deprived state which does make problems look a lot larger than they are (or is it sleep that maked them look smaller than they are?). I've been trying, with less failure than usual, to get on with my "proper" work, even though I'm in the middle of eight days of single-parenting, but I've been gradually becoming aware that the academic year is looming and with it a massively increased workload at the university compared to last year, and yesterday evening, no doubt weakened by fatigue, I felt the implications of that hit me square in the face. And then two warning lights (engine and transmission) came on in my car's dashboard which sent me into my own personal mini black hole with the thought of repair bills I won't be able to pay being skint this month, not being able to get to work in time tomorrow between taking V2 to school and my first appointment, and numerous other things I won't go into which got sucked inexorably inside its event horizon.

One sleeping pill and a proper night's sleep later I took the car to the garage, they plugged in their little machine, cancelled the error codes, reset the "limp home mode" in the transmission, and told me to bring it in for further investigation should these lights come on again, which they might do later today, or in six months, or never. So that's something. (... but what?)

And I think I really have to start the countdown to my leaving the academic profession again. As I've said before I don't feel comfortable in it and I'm not at all sure that my contribution is worth anyone's time. This will mean leaving the country again as well of course, since it clearly isn't possible for me to live in it without that kind of regular income. (It's only just possible with it!) Time to start making plans.

On the other hand, Rubes, if r feels that his his encounter with the groves of academe is of little benefit to either party, then it's a grump that's likely to resurface regularly if he doesn't do something about it: there's always been a sense that he now finds Britain alien in any case.

There's really no point in soldiering on if you feel that the whole situation's a waste of time, r: you're heart's not really here, is it? You're a continental, now. The car warning system is one thing - it's not rare for the lights to come on for no real reason, and I'm glad that it was a false alarm - but your own warning system is something quite different, and I think you need to heed it.

That still, small voice or gut instinct if you prefer, should always be listened to and acknowledged because it won't go away. You can't ignore it because it will keep  coming back to prod you. Feeling uncomfortable/unhappy in your living and working environment colours everything eventually and makes for a pretty miserable person. Moving back to Germany has rather been on the cards for a while now, hasn't it? I don't imagine your colleagues doubt your contribution in the academic world, but it's what you feel about yourself and the future that's important. Quality of life for all of you, 'specially V2.

That would certainly keep me shackled to old Blighty for the rest of my life, yes, but luckily when I moved here last year nobody was prepared to give me one unless I either had to get a couple more jobs to pay it, or live in a shoebox in middle o' t' road. That was a lucky escape I think.

I agree. I think my problem was 25 years of freelance life, with a bit of part-time teaching here and there, between graduating and taking up an academic post. Especially now that universities are run as businesses in almost all but name: that was more of a shock than I could have anticipated.

Seconded. Anyone can find themselves in a situation that wasn't what they expected it to be, but I'm sure you as well as anyone can assess what you need and find some way of achieving it, Richard.