t-p, you are not a bad person. I can tell from your posts that you aren't.

As you see, I am awake again, and have been since 6. Perhaps I'd better just give up and not expect to sleep. I don't have to do anything much today, so I suppose it doesn't really matter that my brain feels like a big foggy mess.

It's rained in the night, but not enough.

As I was saying ...

If there's any comfort in knowing of a fellow sufferer, Mary, my computer locked me out too last night. Or rather it just wouldn't connect itself to the internet. Whatever I did (including weeping uncontrollably, trying to bribe it with cake, threatening blackmail etc) I just kept getting the message "Sorry, the attempt to sign in has failed". It just sat there giving out one of those great sad sighs that computers do every so often implying they have got an idiot operator.

Now, I'm all for pushing back the frontiers of knowledge at public expense and all that.... but doesn't some group of scientists come up with the formula for the perfect cup of tea, the perfect bacon butty etc every year? They seem to have done so for as long as I can remember.

Hi t-p,


When I was just about 18, I remember hearing John Lill say on some radio programme that the biggest challenge of being a musician was being very sensitive in terms of one's music-making on one hand, but also being very insensitive to all the politics of the business and so on. Very wise words. I doubt if there are many people who achieve some sustained success who don't either have some real ability or in some way produce something that 'sells', but on the other hand there are many who do have the former but do not achieve the success necessary to exercise that on a wide scale professionally. So much else is involved, so many power games, so many people who get an easy foot up the ladder simply because of who they know by pure luck/fortune of birth, so much discrimination (the pitifully small number of women composers with an international reputation is surely proof of that - there are certainly many more who deserve such a career; same with women performers, especially the ones who are less photogenic), and so on. It's difficult not to get frustrated by all this, whether it affects one personally or simply because one sees it in operation, sometimes quite blatantly. And it can be very consuming and take one's mind away from music-making. Is it best simply to try and ignore it? I'm not sure, actually: the fact that many who attain some degree of success and/or influence themselves (and usually the former begets the latter) often do so (ignore it) is perhaps a reason why these things are able to continue so much. I know so many awful stories (and occasionally have been involved with them) of composers ignoring performers who have been their champions in the past, when they are no longer 'useful' to them, performers ceasing to take an interest in less well-known composers when it's more in their interests to stick to more starry names, of those on committees, judging panels, running festivals, etc., wilfully using their positions simply to help 'their friends' (or those who it is in their career interests to help) regardless of anything musical, and so on and so forth. All of this can be very upsetting, very distracting, so that the easiest solution can seem 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em', and then just act in the same way. No one person, nor even probably a group of people, are likely to change or obliterate this, certainly not over any short period, but if just a few take the responsibility bestowed upon them seriously and attempt to use it ethically, that is still for the better. These questions are on my mind daily, but gradually have found a way of getting them into some type of proportion. Life isn't fair, but that shouldn't stop us trying to make it even a little fairer. I find it's often good to talk to non-musician friends about these things - they can frequently relate them to comparable things that go on in their own fields, and it can be relieving to find that out, realize that we aren't alone. i don't know the nature of the situation you are in at the moment, but I can more than understand if it makes you want to tear yourself apart about it. Just try to stay true to your own principles rather than get angry, if that's at all possible. I think that, as well as being worth it for its own sake, will make you happier and ultimately gain you respect even if some don't admit it.

On the other hand, there are definitely plenty of other people who are lent responsibility and try all they can not to exploit it in a Machievellian manner. Being on some selection panels or judging prizes with others has demonstrated that to me. There's reason for hope that not everything need be about cynical power games.


The awful thing is that it asking for help and understanding from others is often perceived as a sign of weakness. I don't believe it is, not at all, quite on the contrary it shows strength to be able to admit such things. Probably most people involved in music need that at some point, but many are too afraid to show it: through decrying those who do so, they often artificially attempt to convey an image that they are above all of that. Or, conversely, some are so wrapped up in their own personal issues as to be oblivious to those of others; some musicians or creative artists in general, in the face of certain hostility that they inevitably encounter, build a sort of protective wall around themselves to shield from that, which alas at the same time serves to make them also oblivious to others' plight.

In my country, sadly, it's still the case that many people (especially but not exclusively men, and of the higher classes - there are many exceptions, of course) seem uncomfortable about talking or communicating anything more personal, or responding to such a thing from others. At least in this medium, you seem very open, not afraid of revealing how you feel, however that may be. I admire that very much indeed, and it does garner respect and encourage others to do likewise. Now cyber-communication (of which I have an awful lot of experience in all its various forms) can be deceptive and sometimes dangerous - it's far too easy to become artificially 'close' to people you really don't know, who when you meet in real-life are quite different from how you imagined (makes me realise not least quite how significant a factor body language is). On the other hand, on this particular forum quite a number of people do know each other in real-life (and I deeply hope we'll all get to meet you in the near future), which alters the dynamics somewhat (in both positive and negative senses, arguably). But everyone develops their own way of communicating on here, there's no intrinsic reason why that is any less 'real' than any other form of communication (such as, for example, sending a handwritten letter). Also, some communicate privately with each other after perceiving distress or a need for help expressed publicly. It is, overall, for the good, I believe.

In music, people get jealous, resentful, bitter, etc. These are natural human reactions, I believe, and shouldn't be decried; it's worthwhile lending a sympathetic ear to those experiencing them. Sharing such things can be cathartic, it's surely better than acting maliciously upon them.


It isn't always, no. In any family, community, etc. you can see plenty of examples of people acting selflessly, helping others. What's hard to stomach is the fact that being selfish, ruthless, is sometimes both admired and also brings dividends. I don't think this situation can thoroughly change without major changes in the way society operates (including economically). But for now, it's not all like that, nor need the music world all be like that. One can accept that there are inevitably many people with the 'Everyone for him/herself' attitude and approach, but not feel one needs to be that way oneself, not judge so much as learn, simply don't act oneself in a way one does not like in others; I profoundly believe that is the most productive attitude both for one's own well-being and in terms of the implications for others.

Ian, thank you for a totally brilliant post, every word of which I agree with.
And just to underline, again, the world (or 'worlds', including the music world) is not devoid of good people; those who take their responsibilities - however acquired - seriously, and who work extremely hard to wield the power they have in the best interests of music, and those they genuinely perceive to be deserving of support.

"A committee is a group of people who make a collective decision which, individually, they do not necessarily agree with."

This is all very good to read and worth all of us here bearing in mind. I don't want to be churlish, but, this being a grumpy old rant room, "not judging" might perhaps include not assuming that, because another contributor isn't interested in partaking in a heated discussion about some subject or other (on a messageboard at a particular time), they find that subject uninteresting or unimportant or irrelevant.

Just an idle thought. I suppose it isn't that important. I'd rather be accused of being "facile" than hammer away at "being right" until others lose interest.