Milly - I do hope you feel better this morning. The middle of the night magnifies worries, in my experience.

Loneliness is a strange concept. Some people assume that because I live on my own I must be lonely. Sometimes I am, but for the vast majority of the time I'm perfectly happy, and actually like being on my own. My sister-in-law thinks it must be very depressing to cook just for myself, but to me that's one of the best things - I can eat exactly what I want, when I want. I suppose this is selfish, but it suits me very well. I would miss my friends desperately if I never saw them, but I don't want anyone around for long - having people to stay, or staying with people, is something I dread, and avoid if possible. I do miss my parents, though, and I think I would be rather miserable if I didn't have children - but I'm happy they are at a safe distance!.

I never wanted to marry again, although I liked being married at the time. Just at the moment, because my son is getting married, I miss having a husband to discuss it with. Oh, and I miss having someone around to do the jobs I am too girly to do. I read all the stuff about Bryn's washing machine, and everyone's plumbing skills, with some envy. I have to pay someone to do those things! OK, I know plumbing isn't really a male preserve, but I'm afraid it is to me.

I am digressing. Auden once said, "I am happy to see my friends for an hour, but then, like Garbo, I want to be alone". Me too.

Thanks everyone.  I have to admit I woke up at about 2 a.m. in the depths of a black depression - which is extremely unusual for me. I'm normally cheerful and a most successful fighter over adversity.  I also had a blinding migraine, which was sent packing with my injection within a very short time, but I got up, made a drink and logged on to check my emails and I just couldn't shake off the blackness.

I'm having problems keeping everyone on an even keel.  I'm relied on an enormous amount by others.  I've had a boyfriend for some time now but he thinks a lot more of me than I ever could of him.  Nobody could ever take my husband's place.   I suppose it's just flattering for me to have someone around - but even he's an emotional drain and practically about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Always in some sort of trouble to get him out of.

Like Mary, I do like being alone most of the time, but this morning when I posted I suddenly felt unbearably alone and emotionally vulnerable.  I miss my husband so much. 

Anyway, I awoke this morning feeling more my usual self and much more positive. Besides, I have this little chap, who's only 7,  to take care of till he's 18 and he musn't see me fed up.

Thanks for caring. 

I can understand all of that, Mary, and agree with most of it. Sometimes it troubles me that I don't seem to be able to stay in a relationship for very long, but I think the real reason is that I'm happier with my own company. I've had very pleasant (although that's not quite the word, they tend to be less settled and more emotionally heightened experiences than that suggests) relationships of two or three months, but in the end I'm always quite relieved to be back on my own, and even if I'm not the one who's ended it I always end up feeling that I've contrived to make things head that way. There are too many things I'm used to doing that don't really let another person in. I suppose I'm still young enough that it's possible I just haven't met the right person yet, but I find it increasingly hard to imagine who they might be, if so.

I can't do all those 'male' skills, either. The trouble is that my dad is so good at anything remotely practical that I grew up in a house where he did everything like that, and now I tend to phone him for advice when anything needs fixing, even if it's something I should be able to learn to do myself. I do worry about what we'll all do when he gets too old to do things - not just for me, but also because I feel I should be the one who can help my mum with things once my dad's too old to do it. Not that I'd be able to even if I was better at jobs around the house, since I'm a couple of hundred miles away and likely to get further away rather than closer in the next couple of decades, I would have thought.

Watch out if you get an email from the Pitcairn Islands:

Top 10 countries based on spam emitted per capita

   1. The Pitcairn Islands
   2. Niue
   3. Tokelau
   4. Anguilla
   5. The Faroe Islands
   6. Monaco
   7. Bermuda
   8. The Falkland Islands
   9. Andorra
  10. Aruba

A recommendation indeed!

Thanks, mf, for para. 2. I hope you're right.

Incy,
Because you are on western Indian time (where it is 3am) 

Grrr!  Just opening the post and it appears that my late husband has received an "award winning prize notification" from the International Lotto Commission, Romano No 19, Planta 5, 28011 Madrid, Spain. "All prize money must be claimed not later than 1st April 2008 after this date all funds will be returned to the Miniterio de Economia de Hacienda as unclaimed".  There's an official looking form with it for the "beneficiary" to fill in. (To include all bank details of course!)

Not bad when you consider that he died 9 years ago this coming July!

Aren't they swines?