If you are Irish and offended by Irish jokes, please replace 'Paddy' with 'A Blonde' in the following joke.  (If you are Irish and Blonde, heaven help you. )

Paddy was a little inebriated but decided to drive home from the pub.  He hadn't gone far when he saw a tree in the middle of the road and had to swerve to avoid it.  But no sooner had he swerved than there was another tree for him to avoid.

Tree after tree kept appearing in the middle of the road.  In the end it was too much and he crashed.

A policeman came along and asked Paddy why he had crashed.  Paddy told him the story about the trees in the middle of the road.

"Oh for heaven's sake, Paddy", said the policeman. "That's your air freshener!".


Tommo

LOL - thanks, I just spat my tea out. 

(Why Canada, I wonder.)

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with
a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted
on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lotof money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The
 president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so
 much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
 impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president
and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of
money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'
clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said
the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain
until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square
and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived
at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000
bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants
etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president.
'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

he elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the

president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh,
it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the
morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of
Canada !'

Just in case there are others who hadn't seen this before...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YwLQSTo_ow

Juvenile, I know. Guilty as charged.

And another:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eZBevXohCI&feature=related

And one last (by StSaunders of 'guitar shred' fame):

http://www.break.com/index/star-wars-coming-to-america.html

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.  You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.  My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.  A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

 

Addendum from the Editor:

 

To think that this letter was written by a 98 year old lady; absolutely awesome!

I thought you might enjoy some of these:

GCSE examination in Swindon

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport
 
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
 
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
 
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head