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Milly Jones
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« Reply #210 on: 23:27:58, 15-05-2008 » |
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I'm sorry! I'll stop now! (Only they just arrived in my mail box so I felt I ought to share them....)  I'll get me coat. |
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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MabelJane
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« Reply #211 on: 13:29:01, 18-05-2008 » |
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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.' The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.' God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?' The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'  |
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« Last Edit: 13:43:25, 18-05-2008 by MabelJane »
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Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
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Kittybriton
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« Reply #212 on: 22:42:04, 22-05-2008 » |
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From letters to the billeting officer, written during World War II: - I cannot get sick pay. I have no children. Can you tell me why?
- Mrs.B. had no clothes for a year and has been regularly visited by the clergy.
- Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immortal life.
- Please send money at once as I need it badly. I have fallen into error with my landlord. (
 ) - I have no children. My husband is a bus driver and works day and night.
- I want my money as quickly as possible. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and if things do not improve I shall have to get a new doctor.
- I am very annoyed to find that you have branded my child as illiterate. It's a dirty lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
- Please find out if my husband is dead for the man I am living with won't eat or sleep or do anything till he knows.
- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds and hope this is satisfactory.
- Dental enquiry: the teeth in the top are all right, but the teeth in my bottom hurt terribly.
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Click me -> About meor me -> my handmade storeNo, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish. |
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...trj...
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« Reply #213 on: 16:25:48, 23-05-2008 » |
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A classic, but it's new to me (and omg oh so funny): http://youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKgAlmost as funny is the running debate among YouTube commentors who can't tell the difference between reality and satire... |
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #214 on: 17:01:39, 23-05-2008 » |
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Clarke and Dawe are a continuing source of joy and were a beacon of sanity throughout the tawdry beigeness that dominated the Howard years. Anyone who lived through even a bit of that sorry era will surely remember this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ig9l39DAi80(There is indeed an actor by the name of John Howard and that is he.) Invariably (now, for example) brings to the Sudden eyes tears for a somehow more innocent time. 
It would perhaps only be fair to point out that the oil spill to which the mock interview refers was, I believe, this one, from an age when the spectre of the Member for Bennelong at the nation's helm was still a distant one indeed: http://www.amsa.gov.au/marine_environment_protection/Major_Oil_Spills_in_Australia/Kirki/index.asp |
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« Last Edit: 17:26:22, 23-05-2008 by oliver sudden »
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John W
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« Reply #215 on: 17:20:11, 23-05-2008 » |
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John W
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« Reply #216 on: 12:13:32, 31-05-2008 » |
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A posting I made elsewhere reminded me of a humorous episode in a building's foyer, when I had 10 strangers falling about laughing about what I (and a friend) said, well you had to be there I suppose but here goes.
Attending a meeting at a customer my colleague (and very good friend) Dave and I arrived at the foyer, the person in front of us was having trouble signing in. Within a minute there were about 10 people waiting behind us and Dave and I were cracking jokes, having a laugh.
Eventually Dave and I were at the sign-in desk.
Receptionist: Are you two together?
Dave: Yes. Well, not t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r...... you know.
John: Ah, but Dave, remember that weekend?
Dave: Yes John. I was drunk.
John: Yes, but I wasn't.
The process of signing in us and the other 10 people took some time, and indeed was not completed properly as many couldn't hold a pen for laughing.
John
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Kittybriton
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« Reply #217 on: 13:24:24, 31-05-2008 » |
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I bet Dave can't even look at a pen these days!
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Click me -> About meor me -> my handmade storeNo, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish. |
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martle
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« Reply #218 on: 12:50:13, 25-06-2008 » |
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Here's the thread for jokes, all you non-grumpers! A young composer gets a big Proms commission for an orchestral piece. Hurrah! He has 9 months to complete it. Loads of time, he thinks. But as the days wear on, he seems incapable of getting started. 6 months... 3 months... Then, suddenly, he discovers that he has just one week before the premiere, the orchestral manager and conductor are on the phone ranting at him daily, and he's not written one single dot. Panic. He promises faithfully to have it ready for the concert, and that it will be easily sight-readable by the world-renowned BBC Symphony Orchestra. Then he has a brainwave. How to get a substantial orchestral piece onto paper that sounds vaguely plausible, inoffensive, not too abstract, not too reactionary? With one day to go, he goes to the music library, pulls a Lennox Berkeley symphony off the shelves at random, and copies it out backwards. Sorted! The big night arrives. The conductor lifts his baton...  |
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Green. Always green.
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brassbandmaestro
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« Reply #219 on: 13:13:47, 25-06-2008 » |
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I never knew there was a Funny Room here. Hope the mods wont mind posting a couple to cheer up people in there. I will always come here in the future!!!
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Ruby2
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« Reply #220 on: 13:53:32, 25-06-2008 » |
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Martle, thanks for resurrecting this thread. I just almost hyperventilated at this: Fifteen to One: What major town on the River Severn, famed for its
fine china, shares its name with the sauce used in a bl**dy Mary?
Contestant:** Tomato.
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"Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights do make a left." - Rohan Candappa
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Ruby2
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« Reply #221 on: 13:55:11, 25-06-2008 » |
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Allegedly real newspaper extracts:
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
[The Daily Telegraph]
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
[The Manchester Evening News]
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. [The Guardian]
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A Coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common."
[The Times]
At the height of the gale, the Harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
[Aberdeen Evening Express]
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
[Bournemouth Evening Echo]
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"Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights do make a left." - Rohan Candappa
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Kittybriton
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« Reply #222 on: 17:40:28, 25-06-2008 » |
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I never knew there was a Funny Room here. Hope the mods wont mind posting a couple to cheer up people in there. I will always come here in the future!!!
on behalf of the mods for BBM  |
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Click me -> About meor me -> my handmade storeNo, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish. |
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Morticia
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« Reply #223 on: 17:48:42, 25-06-2008 » |
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Well, that's Big Ron and meself sorted, but where are the Sudden Knees, Kitty? Unless they're hiding underneath the table ... Ah. |
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« Last Edit: 19:28:41, 25-06-2008 by Morticia »
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MabelJane
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« Reply #224 on: 23:38:48, 25-06-2008 » |
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Allegedly real newspaper extracts:
All made me LOL! A young composer gets a big Proms commission............................. .......................The big night arrives. The conductor lifts his baton... Not knowing any L B symphonies I imagine this could be slightly true! |
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Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
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