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Milly Jones
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« Reply #180 on: 12:54:02, 29-08-2007 » |
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A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was struggling through the Afghan Desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old jewish man at a small stall selling ties.
The taliban asked "Do you have any water?"
"I have no water" replied the little old jewish man, "Would you like to buy a tie only 5 dollars?"
"Idiot" shouted the taliban "I do not need an overpriced tie, I need some water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"Ok" said the little old jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that".
"If you continue over that hill to the east for about 2 miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Shalom!."
Muttering, the taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie"
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #181 on: 06:40:42, 03-09-2007 » |
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Tommy Cooper Lives On!
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana. "He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #182 on: 10:45:24, 03-09-2007 » |
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Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....
Taken from the Guardian, this is an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue.
Dear Mr. Green,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and
puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point, whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker- blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
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ahinton
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« Reply #183 on: 22:35:53, 03-09-2007 » |
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Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue....
Taken from the Guardian, this is an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue.
Dear Mr. Green,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and
puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point, whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker- blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Not to be outdone, here's an actual letter from the Financial Ombudsman Service (names excised): Dear Sirs, ×××××'s complaint about ***** We have received a complaint from your customer ××××× (deceased). The only details we have been given are as follows: If you require further information, this can be obtained when you contact ××××× (deceased) to confirm you have received the complaint. You should issue a final response withon 8 weeks of the date you receive this letter (or within 8 weeks of the date your customer ××××× (deceased) first complained to you, if this was earlier). Yours sincerely, Well, what can I say? It would seem that I must get not me coat but a financial adviser, prontissimo, since it is evident from this correspondence that such professionals are deemed to have an uniquely unrivalled access to the dead and, after all, I would be absolutely fascinated to explore the possibilities of getting in touch with that fellow who wrote the C# minor quartet... Best, Alistair |
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Jonathan
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« Reply #184 on: 12:47:53, 05-09-2007 » |
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Ok, I make no apologies for puerile noises from this website: www.misternicehands.com(made me laugh anyway...) |
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Best regards,
Jonathan
*********************************************
"as the housefly of destiny collides with the windscreen of fate..."
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tonybob
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« Reply #185 on: 07:25:28, 06-09-2007 » |
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some rubbish quiz show answers...
The Weakest Link: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway
Radio 2: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Expresso
The Biggest Game in Town:** What was signed to bring World War 1 to an
end?
contestant: The Magna Carta
Fifteen to One: What major town on the River Severn, famed for its
fine china, shares its name with the sauce used in a bl**dy Mary?
Contestant:** Tomato.
The Weakest Link: Who wrote the political treatise Das Kapital?
Contestant:** John Major
The Weakest Link: Which of the Marx brothers remained silent
throughout all their movies?
Contestant: Karl
Quizmaster;** In which European country is Mount Etna?
Contestant:** Japan
Quizmaster;** I did say which European country, so in case you didn't
hear that, I can let you try again.
Contestant:** Er, Mexico.
Beacon Radio: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Contestant:** I think I know that one, is it Jewish?
The Weakest Link: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with "G"
took the title Mahatama?
Contestant: Geronimo
The Weakest Link: Who was the only inmate of Spandau Prison in Berlin
between 1966 and 1987?
Contestant: The Birdman of Alcatraz.
The Weakest Link: Which famous artist painted the Mona Lisa?
Contestant: Frank Bough.
The Weakest Link:** Which calendar month is named after the first
Roman Emperor, Caesar Augustus?
Contestant: June
BBC Radio Newcastle; How long did the Six Day war between Egypt and
Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): 14 days
BBC's The Enemy Within;** Which of the seven Wonders of the Ancient
World would you have found in Babylon?
Contestant:** The Hanging Baskets.
GMTV:** In which direction do the hands of a clock travel?
Contestant:** Anti-clockwise.
The Weakest Link: What "W" is the capital of Poland?
Contestant:** Worcestershire.
William G. Stewart:** Which city in Devon lies at the southern end of
the M5 motorway?
Contestant:** Southern Yemen.
Radio Scotland:** What is the currency of India?
Contestant:** Ramadan.
The Weakest Link: which Douglas lost both legs but still flew in the
Battle of Britain?
Contestant: Douglas Hurd.
Radio 2:** In 1863, which American President gave the Gettysburg
Address?
Contestant: I don't know, it was before I was born.
The Weakest Link: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
John Leslie (ITV This Morning): On which river is Newcastle situated?
Contestant:** The Thames.
Leslie;** Yes, well done.
Radio Hallam:** Of which European country is Lisbon the capital?
Contestant:** Australia
Radio Hallam:** Sorry, that's the wrong answer, we'll go to the next
caller. Second Contestant:** I was going to say Australia as well.**
Is it Gibraltar?
The Weakest Link: In sport, the name of which famous racehorse was the
word "murder" spelt backwards?
Contestant: Shergar
The Weakest Link: The presenter of the television series Telly Addicts
was Noel who?
Contestant: Coward
BBC1 judgmental:** British politics, who was the only female members
of the Gang of Four?
Contestant:** Myra Hindley
The Weakest Link:** What "T" are the people who live in a house paying
rent to a landlord?
Contestant: Terrorists.
The Weakest Link: According to the common saying, "revenge is a dish
best served...." what? Cold or on toast?
Contestant: On toast
The Weakest Link: William Shakespeare wrote seven plays about Kings of
England who all shared the same name.** What name?
Contestant:**** oh ...I don't have an answer...(moment of inspiration)
...Ralph?
Family Fortunes: Name a type of fork not used for eating?
Contestant:** Guy Fawkes
Who wants to be a Millionaire:** What is another name for the
Pope?** a) Pontiff, B) Pontiac, c) Poncho, d) Po
Contestants Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) and Will Young (Pop
Idol) after 2 minutes silence...We'll ask the audience please.
The Weakest Link:** The equator divides the world into how many
hemispheres?
Contestant: Three
Radio 2;** Which is the largest rodent in North America?
Contestant:** The Great White Whale.
Virgin Radio:** Name Les Dennis's estranged wife?
Contestant:** Margaret Thatcher.
Virgin radio;** Are you absolutely sure?
Contestant: That's the one.
The Weakest Link: Which Egyptian actor starred in Lawrence of Arabia,
and also wrote a newspaper column on the subject of Bridge?
Contestant: Naomi Campbell.
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sososo s & i.
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thompson1780
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« Reply #186 on: 09:28:51, 06-09-2007 » |
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Tonybob,
I have just descended into a fit or snorts on the train station platform. Thanks!
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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TimR-J
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« Reply #187 on: 14:55:02, 06-09-2007 » |
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Along similar lines... Family Fortunes answersSomething you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.." Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: "Yourself.." A country where Arabic is spoken: "Nigeria.." Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: "Hitler.." A number you might have to memorise: "Seven.." Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.." Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.." A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.." A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.." An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.." A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.." A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.." A slang word for a girl: "Slag.." An animal with horns: "A bee..." A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.." Something made of wool: "A sheep.." Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.." Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.." An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.." Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.." Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.." A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.." A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.." A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.." (Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..") Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.." Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.." A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.." A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.." A measurement of liquid: "Paint.." Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.." A famous Dick: "Carrot.." A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.." Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.." Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.." A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.." A yellow fruit: "Orange.." many more... |
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thompson1780
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« Reply #188 on: 22:50:09, 07-09-2007 » |
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A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
Tommo
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Morticia
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« Reply #189 on: 03:15:54, 08-09-2007 » |
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IgnorantRockFan
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« Reply #190 on: 21:13:52, 13-09-2007 » |
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same children.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more children.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have babies with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of children to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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Allegro, ma non tanto
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Morticia
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« Reply #191 on: 22:18:38, 25-09-2007 » |
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER > Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. "Willing to try anything," I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man. Sorry to all chaps, but it made me giggle  |
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harmonyharmony
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« Reply #192 on: 23:03:11, 25-09-2007 » |
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
Oh IRF. I can't decide if it's funny or tragic or both. THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
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'is this all we can do?' anonymous student of the University of Berkeley, California quoted in H. Draper, 'The new student revolt' (New York: Grove Press, 1965) http://www.myspace.com/itensemble |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #193 on: 23:45:24, 25-09-2007 » |
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I was sent this today to cheer me up...
The Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery........................................The study of paintings
Bacteria .................................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium........................................What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........................A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan......................................Searching for kitty
Cauterize.....................................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................................A sheep dog
Coma..........................................A punctuation mark
Dilate..........................................To live long
Enema.........................................Not a friend
Fester.........................................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................................A small lie
Impotent......................................Distinguished, well known
Labour pain...................................Getting hurt at work
Medical staff.................................A doctor's cane
Morbid......................................... A higher offer
Nitrates........................................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................................I knew it
Outpatient....................................A person who has fainted
Pelvis...........................................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative...............................A letter carrier
Recovery room...............................Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................................ Nearly killed him
Secretion......................................Hiding something
Seizure.........................................Roman Emperor
Tablet..........................................A small table
Terminal illness...............................Getting sick at the airport
Tumour.........................................One plus one more
Urine............................................Opposite of you're out
2 x condoms..................................To be sure, to be sure!
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #194 on: 15:58:46, 13-11-2007 » |
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> Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and > an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth. > One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake > and fell down. > > 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. > I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since > I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' > 'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since > birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither > all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know. > 'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny. > So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered > with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a > soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' > 'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. > The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my > paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.' > So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and > slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. > I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in > senior management. |
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Logged
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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