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Jonathan
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« Reply #195 on: 18:06:24, 13-11-2007 » |
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Jolly good Milly!
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Best regards,
Jonathan
*********************************************
"as the housefly of destiny collides with the windscreen of fate..."
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roslynmuse
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« Reply #196 on: 18:46:53, 13-11-2007 » |
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Hear, hear - and promptly sent on to my colleagues!  |
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Morticia
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« Reply #198 on: 12:51:24, 22-04-2008 » |
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We haven't had anything in this room for a while and I received the following this morning. It made me chuckle, albeit in a wry kind of way ...
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
> spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
> Woman would live long and healthy lives.
>
> Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
> Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said,
> 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo
> they gained 10 pounds.
>
> And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure
> that man found so fair.
>
> And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
> cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
>
> So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese
> dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
> their belts following the repast.
>
> God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
> to cook them'.
>
> And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
> lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
> platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
>
> Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming
> with potassium and good nutrition.
>
> Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
> into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities
> of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running
> shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
>
> And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
> not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and
> cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging
> suits.
>
> Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
> still satisfy his appetite.
>
> And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan
> said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size
> 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac
> arrest.
>
> God sighed .......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
>
> And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health
> Service.
>
> THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
>
> After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final
> word on nutrition and health.:
>
> 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> us.
> 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
> 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than us.
> 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than us.
> 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
> fewer heart attacks than us.
> 6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and
> suffer fewer heart attacks than us
>
> CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.. Speaking English is apparently
> what kills you.
>
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perfect wagnerite
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« Reply #199 on: 13:22:52, 22-04-2008 » |
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I'd forgotten about this thread - the perfect place to share the following, which was doing the rounds in the office recently:
Once upon a time, there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly, a Porsche 911 screeches to a halt beside him. A woman steps out and asks the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?" The shepherd agrees.
She connects a laptop to a mobile phone modem, enters the Nasa website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high-tech mini-printer. She studies the report and says to the shepherd: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies: "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
She packs up, surveys the flock and puts one in the boot. As she is about to leave, the shepherd says: "If I can guess your profession, will you return the animal to me?" She agrees.
The shepherd says: "You are an HR manager."
"Correct," says the woman, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies: "First, you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. And third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway. Now, can I have my dog back?"
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At every one of these [classical] concerts in England you will find rows of weary people who are there, not because they really like classical music, but because they think they ought to like it. (Shaw, Don Juan in Hell)
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David_Underdown
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« Reply #201 on: 15:04:45, 22-04-2008 » |
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Well the version I'd heard of that previously was a consultant, "you come and charge me for something I already know the answer to".
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--
David
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John W
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« Reply #202 on: 18:10:31, 22-04-2008 » |
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'Essential Dyke vol.VII'.
Before anyone gets too carried away with that  it's a brass band music CD series |
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John W
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« Reply #203 on: 19:09:51, 22-04-2008 » |
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OK, read this cake,  My correspondent has lost the source but says it was a cake ordered-delivered by Asda, and I am inclined to believe his interpretation of what happened: ASDA Employee: 'Hello 'dis is ASDA, how can I help you?' Customer: 'Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.' ASDA Employee: 'Whatchu want ondacake?' Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne,' underneath that 'We will miss you'. Of course, the customer could have dreamed up the whiz and asked for that on the cake for a laugh |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #204 on: 14:21:21, 27-04-2008 » |
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Perhaps the gentlemen on the board would be interested in the following?
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
_____________________________________________________________________________
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course including:
_____________________________________________________________________________
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FL Y TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting 'It's not there!', You've moved it!' or 'We've run out!' - Open forum
_____________________________________________________________________________
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #205 on: 14:23:54, 27-04-2008 » |
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BAPTIST BATHROOM
A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her
and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for
reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully
equipped and modern, but could not bring herself to write the word
"toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term
"Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not
comfortable. Finally, she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and
wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he could not figure
out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the
campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a
BaptistChurch since there was a letterhead on the paper, which
referred to a BaptistChurch.
Therefore, he sent this reply
Dear Madam,
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful
grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the
habit of going regularly. No doubt, you will be pleased to know that
it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their
lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so
everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you
to know that my daughter met her husband there.
We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old
ones have holes in them.
Unfortunately, my wife is ill and has not been able to attend
regularly. It has been a good six months since she last went. It
pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow
older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold
weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit
with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #206 on: 14:25:04, 27-04-2008 » |
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ' What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see!' replied the auditor thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #207 on: 23:21:38, 15-05-2008 » |
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DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed cold hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. I plan as I stare from the window...
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of, however they merely made ondescending comments about the 'nice gift' and what a 'good little hunter' I am.
B******s!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this 'allergies' means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I regularly observe him communicating with the guards in their language. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..........
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #208 on: 23:23:23, 15-05-2008 » |
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People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #209 on: 23:25:37, 15-05-2008 » |
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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said?'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so much!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
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