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IgnorantRockFan
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« Reply #165 on: 16:47:17, 02-08-2007 » |
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A man convicted of beastiality with a sheep escaped from prison yesterday. Police say he'll be back behind baas very soon. But at the moment he's still on the lamb  |
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Allegro, ma non tanto
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IgnorantRockFan
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« Reply #166 on: 16:53:35, 02-08-2007 » |
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With apologies to the late Tommy Cooper...
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels.
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builder today & said to him "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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Allegro, ma non tanto
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roslynmuse
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« Reply #167 on: 18:33:04, 02-08-2007 » |
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IRF - I'm weeping with the accumulation of wit...
Reminds me of the man on holiday in Scotland. He tries to find a bed for the night. "I can offer you the Tartan Room" says the landlord. "I'll just have the room tonight" replies the man...
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tonybob
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« Reply #168 on: 21:04:31, 09-08-2007 » |
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What do you call an alien with no eyes? Alen.
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sososo s & i.
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Janthefan
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« Reply #169 on: 10:05:48, 10-08-2007 » |
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Giving up Wine...
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago"', the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping", the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years". '
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going totake you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight".
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
I said, "That's okay, it's important for him to see what a woman lookslike after she has given up wine, shopping, and hair appointments."
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Live simply that all may simply live
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tonybob
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« Reply #170 on: 10:12:58, 10-08-2007 » |
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sososo s & i.
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thompson1780
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« Reply #171 on: 12:06:40, 10-08-2007 » |
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Call Centre Conversations
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
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Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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perfect wagnerite
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« Reply #172 on: 12:19:38, 10-08-2007 » |
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At every one of these [classical] concerts in England you will find rows of weary people who are there, not because they really like classical music, but because they think they ought to like it. (Shaw, Don Juan in Hell)
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Chafing Dish
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« Reply #173 on: 01:50:58, 11-08-2007 » |
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Cora is quite upset. Her lady friend Pearl asks her what is wrong.
"Oh, Ronnie gave me a dozen red roses today! Sniff!!"
"But that's lovely, dearie, now... why the long face?"
"Well, you see what this means: I'm going to be lying flat on my back the whole weekend, stark naked, with my legs up in the air!!"
"Whatever for, dearie? Haven't you got a vase?"
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thompson1780
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« Reply #174 on: 14:42:03, 11-08-2007 » |
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tonybob,
Just wanted to say your #170 is brilliant!
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #175 on: 17:01:19, 11-08-2007 » |
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tonybob,
Just wanted to say your #170 is brilliant!
Ollie |
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tonybob
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« Reply #176 on: 18:07:29, 11-08-2007 » |
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thanks guys.
apparently its been doing the viral thing for a long time, but i saw it for the first time a week ago.
sacrilicious!
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sososo s & i.
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thompson1780
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« Reply #177 on: 09:36:28, 15-08-2007 » |
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Two men got a bit confused, and overdosed on curry powder instead of drugs.
One has a dodgy Tikka and the other is in a Korma.
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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IgnorantRockFan
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« Reply #178 on: 09:28:47, 24-08-2007 » |
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Apologies if some of these have been done already...
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well, honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a viola.
Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
Pitch.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Q: How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. One holds the bulb above her head and the world revolves around her.
Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They both commit murder on the high Cs
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Allegro, ma non tanto
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #179 on: 09:56:19, 29-08-2007 » |
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Apologies if these have been on before :-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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We pass this way but once. This is not a rehearsal!
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