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oliver sudden
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« Reply #330 on: 22:31:46, 12-10-2008 » |
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Not an actual joke but this made us chuckle in the staffroom today.
Our Y2 teacher: Can you make up a sentence using the word "come"?
Now if you were in my staffroom, you could have stopped there. I work in an office full of engineers. Believe me, you wouldn't even have started ...  I'm a musician and I was giggling as soon as you mentioned 'staff'...  |
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thompson1780
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« Reply #331 on: 22:38:07, 12-10-2008 » |
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Ollie, There are diplomas from the Finbarr Saunders School of Double Entendres awarded for less tenuous comments than that. Martle and I hold our own. Give yourself one. Well done. Tommo  |
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #332 on: 22:46:18, 12-10-2008 » |
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And as for staffROOM, well, gosh, I was positively blushing.
I studied double-entendre with the grandmaster Jean Banlère himself, you know.
A German musical double entendre for your amusement, allegedly from a youth orchestra rehearsal. Of course there's a shortage of stands. Conductor says "wer noch keinen Ständer hat, geh mal nach oben und hol dir einen runter".
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thompson1780
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« Reply #333 on: 22:57:47, 12-10-2008 » |
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I guess you had to be there.... Tommo PS .... and understand German better than I do 
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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thompson1780
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« Reply #335 on: 08:57:07, 13-10-2008 » |
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...alles klar.
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #336 on: 09:06:06, 13-10-2008 » |
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alles not klar!  |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #337 on: 11:29:30, 13-10-2008 » |
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Honestly! Men!!!! This has just been sent to me by one of my neighbours..... Older and Wiser. When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits. |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #338 on: 11:30:51, 13-10-2008 » |
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And yes, it's the same neighbour that sent me the one about the iTit. (I think he may have a bit of an obsession....) |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #339 on: 15:42:35, 13-10-2008 » |
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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on most about me, could it be my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #340 on: 15:58:37, 13-10-2008 » |
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Older and Wiser. Go on, Milly, write us the girls' version. You know you want to.  Oh, all right, the German thing. Ständer can mean a music stand. It can also mean, er, a part of the male body that is standing although it doesn't always do so. Hol dir einen runter literally means 'bring one down for yourself' but might be, er, what one would do if one for some reason or other didn't want the aforesaid part to stand any more. I hope alles is klar now... |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #341 on: 16:05:56, 13-10-2008 » |
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Thank you Ollie, but alles was made klar a bit earlier in a pm. Perhaps I should have mentioned it on the board. |
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #343 on: 15:09:09, 14-10-2008 » |
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Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"
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Milly Jones
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« Reply #344 on: 15:15:53, 14-10-2008 » |
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How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappucinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."
The last time Iceland had a crash like this aisle 3 was closed all day.
What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets
Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday!
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
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