`What we need is a bit of muscle`, said Henrietta.

`What good is a bi-ped gonna do round `ere?` sniffed Millicent.

Henrietta rolled her eyes in despair and took another slug of Jack Daniels. `Wot I mean is, we need someone wiv animal cunning, a bit smooth y`know? Someone who would flog their own grandmother for the right price, innit?`

A shadow fell across the door of the hen house, apologised for their clumsiness and then scuttled off.

`Well helloo charming ladies. May I say  how delightful you are looking today? Quite, quite charming. I gather you have been having a touch of bother. If there any way in which I can help you delightful creatures` drawled a voice from the doorway. 

Millicent looked up to see the suave, urbane figure of `Ferdy` Reynard.

`Fox!` she expostulated.

`Language!` said Henrietta.

Ho you two.... I am enjoying your film script!!! life is back on the waffle thread !!

I am off out to see Death in Venice soon, so I will catch up with the story in the early hours I reckon !

<hug> <hug> A

`Ferdy` Reynard took a Sobranie Black Russian from his  monogrammed cigarette holder, struck a hand tooled match against the wall of the chicken shed and stared at the flame thoughtfully before lighting the cigarette. He inhaled deeply and blew six perfect smoke rings.

`So, you girls seem to have got yourselves into a spot of bother`.

`Nuffin` we can`t `andle` snapped Henrietta, pouring another slug of Jack Daniels.

`I beg to differ. I care so very, very deeply for your situation. The matter of some missing eggs and, if I may make so bold, those very fetching feathers is hardly, shall we say, chicken feed?`. He sneered a terrible sneer. `Those stoats are an unsavoury bunch. even with caper sauce, they must be stopped. So, shall we say two dozen, freshly laid a month. For now`. He sneered another terrible sneer.

`Psst`.

`What if I am?` mumbled Henrietta.

`No, really. Psst. Up here, man`.

Henrietta gazed unsteadily up at the hen house house roof and slide slowly from her perch.

`Gotta watch that dude with the tail, man. He`s bad news, I`m tellin` you`.

A waft of strangly aromatic smoke drifted down causing Millicent to sneeze violently three times before smiling happily, tucking her head underneath her wing and snoring loudly.

`I know you.` mumbled Henrietta. `You`re Syd the Sloth. You were deported months ago. What you doin` `ere?.

`On my way to the airport, man. Just chillin`, y`know, just chillin` Don`t need the stress. Gotta watch that ginger dude ...... zzzzzzzz`.

`So my dear. That`s two dozen a month then?`, drawled Ferdy.

Henrietta drew herself up to her full height and fixed him with a beady stare. `I`ll be Pollo Sorpreso before I `and my eggs over to you!`.

`That`s what they all say my dear`, sneered Ferdy before heading off to the Mouse and Merkin for a pint of Speckled Hen ......

`Millicent! Wake up for heavens sake`.

Millicent smiled contentedly in her sleep and clucked `Electric Ladybirds, man` before lapsing back into loud snoring.

`Tcha!` expostulated Henrietta and then winced. `Must remember not to do that. Makes me teeth go all squeaky. Now, what I need is a Stoat Plan, a cunning Stoat Plan.....`

`Excuse me, but I have a Cunning Stoat Plan` came a voice from a nearby flowerpot.

`What? Whozzat there?` cried Henrietta in confusion.

`The saviour of your eggs, my dear girl. D I have a Cunning Stoat Plan`.

Henrietta blinked at the flowerpot. `But you`re a flippin` snail! You gastropods can`t do nuffin`, apart from eat green stuff and sleep. Bet you`re called Brian an` all`.

`Actually, my name is Tristram Wotan Fortescue-Botherington and I have hidden talents. Actually. Could you pass me one of those discarded Black Russians and maybe a sip of the old JD to focus my lazer-like mental abilities?`

Meanwhile, outside of the chicken coop stood a strange shadowy figure, dressed in midnight aubergine velvet and teetering on 6” heels, silver feathers on a satin band garnished with diamante on her head.

“Hullo Stoat” remarked a passing Vole “What you spying on those chickens for, are they having another fancy dress party?”

“Why ain’t you in Lourdes with the rest of the Voles?” replied Stoat tersely.

“I got ex-communicated didn’t I” replied  Vole cheerfully. “Wassup then?”

“There is a mollusc in there called Tristram with an in-built theremin  and I don’t like the look of him at all” hissed Stoat. 

Vole recoiled in horror.  “Blimey” he said, peeking through the window “Look at the size of his radula!  He could do some damage with that, you’d best watch out Stoat, mind you, for a mollusc not possessing limbs, a theremin is the perfect instrument  innit?  Makes sense dunnit?  A mollusc ain't your ideal viola player.  If it wasn’t that Casualty was on shortly I might stick around for a performance”

“Toodle-Pip!”

After working his way through his extensive Beach Boys repertoire Tristram retired to rest his radula and ponder his Cunning Stoat Plan.

Henrietta, who had a powerful yearning for chilli and garlic marinated earthworms on lightly toasted ciabatta, sat at the table sunk in gloom and hunger.

`Two dozen a month` she moaned.

`And that`s just for starters. He`ll have us up to two dozen a day before long` muttered Millicent miserably.

Henrietta shot her a deadly look. `Oh `fanks for that. I feel a whole better now! Anyway, it`s not like it`s gonna get yer fevvers back. You`ve seen the last of them` she added spitefully.

Millicent smothered a sob.

They became aware of a commotion outside. There was the sound of milking pails crashing, horses whinnying and a resounding thump on the side of the hen house, followed a series of impressively colourful oaths. They exchanged worried looks.

Something was stumping its way towards them, muttering angrily.

`Bugler that. Never bin able to get my landing technique right. Look at the state of me flippin` wings`.

Henrietta and Millicent gaped at the new arrival.

`Well, what yer gawping at? I`ve flown flippin` miles, `ad grief from a bunch of stroppy sheep among other things wot I will not trouble you wiv now, to lend you coupla sissies an `and. Least you could do it put the flippin` kettle on. Gordon duck!` said Esmerelda and flung herself onto the sofa.

After the ducks had calmed down and reverted to their normal condition, a difficult life where they waited under the threat of disturbance at any moment from the next fool too cowardly to face up to the consequences of their own contentious statement, Esmerelda reflung herself onto the sofa.

'Esmey darlin, couldn't you just try sitting on the sofa instead of always flinging yourself on it?' remonstrated Henrietta.

'Well, most of us like to have a little fling now and again don't we? I don't think I'm alone in that. Anyway, you got any Morticia's?' said Esmerelda becoming a helplessly entangled pawn in a very poor joke.

'Any WHAT!' ejaculated Henrietta, struggling to hang onto her dignity and stay out of any approaching puns.

'Morticia's, I said! Only me noise is running like a herd of wildebeest and I haven't got any more of me own ticia's to blow me nose on.'

Henrietta groaned and paced wearily off to the ticia cupboard.

As the door creaked open (nobody had asked her for ticias for so long now, she thought sadly, or indeed for a fling) a thought occurred to her and she turned to Esmerelda 'Now, what's this I hear about a condor you met in Havana. What name does she go by, and will she be any use to us in our struggle against the fox network?'

Meanwhile, Badger cleared his throat, wiped his paws on his grubby green velvet waistcoat, adjusted his pince-nez and turned to address the assembled animals.

“Now” he said “Firstly, this situation has arisen because of the thieving habits of a certain Stoat” and with that he shot Stoat a most venomous and fearsome glare.  “Secondly, Molluscs are the staple foodstuffs of Stoats, Hedgehogs, Badgers, Voles, and Thrushes, to name but a few.  So I imagine, even armed with a Theremin, he is unlikely to last long around here!”

The animals laughed gleefully and dug each other in the ribs.  Oh, Badger certainly knew how to tell ‘em!

“However” he remarked “There is Greater Danger present!  A certain Fox has evil intentions towards the Chickens and a certain Duck has arrived. She could be a loose cannon.  Be On Guard animals, make sure you don’t talk to strangers and keep your mobile with you at all times.  In the meantime, Stoat will apologise to the chickens and return the silver feathers!”

A collective groan came from the audience.

“Playing wiv fire he is” remarked a shrew, shrewdly, “Stoat ain’t going to take too kindly to losing those feathers, she won't take that lying down”

"Ere" squeaked a small polecat perplexedly "How can a duck be a cannon?"