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harmonyharmony
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« Reply #615 on: 23:33:06, 21-01-2008 » |
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I've been feeling rather mediocre in the field of composition for a while now.
I can appreciate that a lot of what I've done in the past is rather good, but I don't think that anything I've produced since matches up to it or is interesting. About a year ago, I told my girlfriend that I felt that three things were really going well in my life - my relationship with her, my composition, and my teaching. Now that the composition is just not flowing, and the relationship is over, that leaves the teaching. If I wasn't in the job here and teaching, I'd be afloat. Even though many aspects of the job wear me down, and the fact that I'm teaching almost entirely outside of the area of my specialisms and training, I know that I'm imparting something and that I have some kind of ability.
But all it takes is a bad day, when I think that I haven't taught a subject as well as I could...
I used to lie awake replaying those moments of my life when I was stupid, rude, obnoxious or daft, but I've largely learnt to stop doing it. Following my mugging, I had a fantastic course of counselling, which seems to have helped me to avoid it. Until then though it could get bad. Like my night terrors about death and non-existence, which seemed to resolve themselves around the same time.
We carry around so much that it's sometimes helpful just to let it go.
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'is this all we can do?' anonymous student of the University of Berkeley, California quoted in H. Draper, 'The new student revolt' (New York: Grove Press, 1965) http://www.myspace.com/itensemble |
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #616 on: 23:38:09, 21-01-2008 » |
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my little demon is saying that in my case it just means all the people I meet are nicer than I am. Unless you keep the company of veritable saints, Tommo, I can safely say that that's vanishingly unlikely. |
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Antheil
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« Reply #617 on: 23:42:18, 21-01-2008 » |
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Tommo,
can a chapess rather than a chap contribute?
guilt is so destructive, it worms away at your being, erodes yourself.
think about it. those to whom you refer who are not there in your life anymore, do you really think they would still be berating you? No, I think not. So, forgive yourself and believe you are worthy of love and praise.
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Reality, sa molesworth 2, is so sordid it makes me shudder
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harmonyharmony
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« Reply #618 on: 23:44:38, 21-01-2008 » |
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Tommo,
can a chapess rather than a chap contribute?
guilt is so destructive, it worms away at your being, erodes yourself.
think about it. those to whom you refer who are not there in your life anymore, do you really think they would still be berating you? No, I think not. So, forgive yourself and believe you are worthy of love and praise.
Can I second that please? |
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'is this all we can do?' anonymous student of the University of Berkeley, California quoted in H. Draper, 'The new student revolt' (New York: Grove Press, 1965) http://www.myspace.com/itensemble |
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thompson1780
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« Reply #619 on: 23:53:28, 21-01-2008 » |
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Anty, of course chapesses may contribute (and abbesses and mother superiors). And thanks too to hh. I'm absolutely cream crackered right now, and every one's warm words are hopefully very good for me to go to bed with.
I feel very lucky to have a bunch of friends through this medium with whom I can note this all, when I'm not sure I could mention it even with some of my best flesh-and-blood friends, if you excuse the phrase and know what I mean.....
Thanks
Tommo
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Made by Thompson & son, at the Violin & c. the West end of St. Paul's Churchyard, LONDON
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Ron Dough
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« Reply #620 on: 23:58:31, 21-01-2008 » |
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Tommo, If you look on the Grumpy thread, you'll find a link suggesting that today (Jan 21st) is the most depressing day of the year, and some of the reasons why. Guilt is an awkward burden to carry, but I'll tell you what: I have more time and trust for those who are beset with guilt than those who show no signs of remorse whatsoever; at least the former are aware that they need to alter, even if they don't yet know what to do about it. For nearly all of us, life is a delicate balancing act, and there are times when the equilibrium is sorely challenged; but anyone who believes he's perfect all the time is as self-deluding as one who believes he has no worth whatsoever. I'd suggest that maybe the answer is to allow yourself to accept that there are the odd days when we all feel very much better or worse than we do normally, and treat them as days out of the ordinary which shouldn't be permitted to alter the everyday kilter of things. The very exciting days aren't likely to continue for very long, and, unless you let them you drag you down, the bad ones aren't here to stay either. Once our guard's down, don't we find that deep inside, most of us have the same sorts of worries, problems and insecurities as everybody else? The learning to accept them, even turn them to good use is part of life's path, chap. If you've really been knocked down for a day or two, just make yourself a negative and positive list, and explore some of the positives as assiduously as you have the negatives over the past couple of days. Most regular posters here will know that they're loved and prized by the community, and you should surely be aware that you're very certainly one such, so be nice to yourself.  You've made mistakes? Who hasn't? Are you trying to learn by them? Then where's the problem? Ron |
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A
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« Reply #621 on: 00:00:31, 22-01-2008 » |
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If I am not too late to put in my two pennyworth tommo.. It is late at night when this sort of thing grabs me. It is the fact that the mind carries on working and thinking while the body is trying to relax. My solution... maybe it's silly... is to ram headphones in my ear and listen to my tiny radio .. Dab or fm there is usually something that is so mindless, Parliament, shipping forecast, science fiction or detective story on BBC7, these usually take my mind off anything that might make me run all my failings (and there are many!!) past myself in the early hours. Cheers tommo, hope you are feeling better  A |
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Well, there you are.
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Morticia
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« Reply #622 on: 00:01:04, 22-01-2008 » |
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Tommo,
You are not alone in feeling as you do, as you have now read above. What you have described is very familiar to me and, I suspect, others here. Sometimes those feelings of being mediocre, inept, careless of other people and their feelings, they crouch on my back during the day then poke at my brain when I try to sleep. Then they hibernate until something wakes them up months later.
You are a far from mediocre writer Tommo and you aren`t a mediocre person. Like the rest of us, you have clay feet. Because you`re human. I happen to think you are a damn fine human and you have shown care towards people here. Now that care is coming back to you.
I send you a massive hug to complement the Sudden slap on the back.
xxxxxxxxxxx Mort
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« Last Edit: 00:05:50, 22-01-2008 by Morticia »
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Andy D
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« Reply #623 on: 00:32:18, 22-01-2008 » |
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One thing that would help me is knowing whether or not I am alone. Does anyone else get crippled by guilt? Even by the smallest things from your past? Has anyone learned how to let go if there's no one to apologise to?
Regret is totally pointless IMO, but that doesn't stop people feeling it. I feel it about a good friend of mine who came round for a meal and some drinks one Christmas Eve. He obviously didn't want to walk home afterwards but I didn't offer him the spare bed because I selfishly wanted to be alone the following day. That was the last time I saw him alive, he died soon afterwards, possibly that very night as a result of being forced by me to walk home. How guilty do you think that makes me feel? But it's happened, I can't undo it. |
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increpatio
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« Reply #624 on: 00:43:03, 22-01-2008 » |
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Ah, yes tommo; I personally those nights quite well. I also feel that I've been making some progress in these regards but, in response to t_i_n's response, I have to say that, just after christmas, when I was feeling that I had conquered essentially all of my issues, had gained complete mastery and self-control with regards the committing of general blunders, I was the recipient of a rather damning evaluation of character from a relatively close friend (quite bluntly worded, as he was quite grumpy with me about this at the time), accusing me of being the practitioner of a whole range of various selfishnesses; it came as quite the shock! ( We had a calm talk about it after, but it took a heck of a lot of effort to try and be open to his comments ).
Will and Grace is also good for this, I find.
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Tony Watson
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« Reply #625 on: 00:44:22, 22-01-2008 » |
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I don't want to be mediocre.
That then led to me wondering why I did anything.
I regretted wasting my life so far.
My mind decided to remind me of all the embarrassing moments of my life. All the times I cringe to remember. All the things that make me hate myself. Right from the time when aged 7.
I don't feel I got control of myself until late in life. And I still catch myself making mistakes and grimacing about them.
One thing that would help me is knowing whether or not I am alone.
Are you alone in this, Tommo? Hell, no! I've picked out the parts of your posting that I can particularly indentify with. As a 7 year old you can be forgiven anything but I still rake over things I said and did at primary school with a mixture of guilt and regret for missed opportunities. I can't add much to the good advice that's already been given but I can assure you that you've made me feel better knowing that I'm not alone in this either. Tony |
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richard barrett
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« Reply #626 on: 00:53:11, 22-01-2008 » |
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I was talking to my father, with whom I've always got on well, a few months ago and he reminded me of a certain occasion at least twenty-five years earlier when I had an acute financial difficulty which he hadn't helped me with, because, he now explained, he didn't have the money at the time himself (it was only a few hundred, nothing dramatic in the wider scheme of things, and I hadn't asked for his help anyway, or even thought of doing so). It took me a while, much prompting from him and some serious brain-churning from me before I even managed to remember the matter he was referring to. He on the other hand had obviously been dwelling on it regularly and guiltily for the entire intervening time.
Like others' here, my brain regularly tunes itself into the "Mortifying Moments" late-night show and gets stuck there. I've never found a way of stopping it. I think at least I do the type of thing that comes back as insomnia less often than I used to. I think I'm just as reassured as Tommo is that this is a common experience.
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Il Grande Inquisitor
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« Reply #627 on: 01:07:45, 22-01-2008 » |
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Have just returned home and read your heartfelt post, Tommo and no, you are not alone. There are many times when I wonder what my life really amounts to. When I told my form tutor at secondary school that I wanted to be a teacher, she was actually cross. She was also my English teacher for all five years, so knew what my abilities were, and she was appalled that I could “waste such talent when you could do so much better”. Those words have haunted me since. I have never regretted going into teaching, but I have wondered what other paths my life might have followed and what I could be doing now.
My work consumes a frightening amount of my time, so much so that, at the grand old age of 38 I’m still single – something that disappointed my mum, who suddenly passed away last summer. She never said as much but I know she was always hopeful that one of us would oblige her with a wedding; at least my sister provided her with grandchildren. I still enjoy the day to day teaching, but also feel slightly guilty that I’m not one of those thrusting for deputy headships or headships, but just ‘pootling’ along aimlessly, but reasonably contentedly, I think. Perhaps, as you say, it’s a lack of discipline, or maybe a lack of ambition or, if truth be told, a fear of failure. It’s worth remembering though that you do make a difference to the people around you and for the times you’ve upset someone or done something you feel guilty about, there will be countless occasions when you’ve been the helping hand, the shoulder to cry on, the person who’s made a positive impact. I’ve just returned from a ‘birthday supper’ hosted by some friends whose daughter was in my very first class some 16 years ago. The daughter was there too, degree course over and now applying for jobs, and we reminisced about times past. It’s great to catch up with how they’re all doing, finding out about uni courses, job prospects and it’s on occasions like this that I feel, yes, it is all worth it and I have made some sort of difference. So, keep your chin up, Tommo and I hope it will be some comfort to know we understand and share your feelings. Ron’s idea of a positive and negative list could well be worth a try too.
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Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency
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martle
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« Reply #628 on: 10:29:27, 22-01-2008 » |
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Tommo, it's all been said by now, and very well too. But chalk me up on the list of people who've been there, done that and got the bath mat. This may seem paradoxical, but I remember discussing the bit about feeling guilty with a good friend once - especially feeling guilty about stupidities and insensitivities and worrying about what people thought of me. The friend said, rather cruelly it seemed at first, 'Just stop it. You're not that important.' When I finally understood what he meant, it helped a lot. Stress, boredom and feeling inadequate are wonderful magnifying glasses for guilt, especially late at night. Oh, and I've often thought I'd like to be you, Tommo, with all the good stuff you seem to have, and being a dude and a half.  |
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Green. Always green.
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oliver sudden
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« Reply #629 on: 10:40:25, 22-01-2008 » |
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Regret is totally pointless IMO, but that doesn't stop people feeling it. Andy, I can't let your post to go by without saying something even though I can't for the life of me find anything meaningful to say. I can't imagine anyone not feeling carp about that even though there's no concrete reason to... |
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