It's abundantly clear by now that you are not alone, Tommo, but I thought I'd add my voice too.

One of the difficulties of the freelance life, that none of us talk about with each other because no one wants to admit when they're not busy, is the occasional long stretch of absolutely nothing to do but contemplate all of one's own shortcomings.  Such stretches of free time are theoretically ideal chances to practise, learn new repertoire, pursue new friendships or strengthen old ones, explore other interests outside of music - but self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness and shame emerge so easily when given gaps of time to face the void.

I think we all undermine ourselves in one way or another.  I don't know why.  IGI mentioned a fear of failure.  I think there's also a corresponding fear of success, because with success come both responsibility and the expectation of continued success.  And I'm referring not only to professional success, but also to "successful" relationships, friendships, family relations and so on.

As for tormenting one's self with every hurtful thing or neglectful action one has ever done or said - yes I do that too.  I try to tell myself (and I hope this doesn't sound harsh or accusatory) that thinking my words or acts have stung for so long is a form of egotism on my part, and demonstrates a lack of faith that the other person has been able to cope with or shrug off whatever I said or did.  Sometimes this merely gives me another reason to detest myself, but I think in the long run it helps in letting go and lessening my feelings of guilt.

I hope you've had a good night's sleep, Tommo, and are facing the new(ish) day with more optimism.

Andy D, your message wrung at my heart.  It probably won't do any good for me to urge you not to blame yourself, but I want to say it anyway.

Regret is such a negative feeling though. If you can do something or apologise, do so. But there are so many things that can't be undone or, as Tommo said, there's no one to apologise to. This certainly applies in the case of the friend I wrote about. So where does my regret about him get me? Nowhere. Hence I don't beat myself up about it - well, not often . He was a great music lover so a few of us dedicated a seat in the Adrian Boult Hall at Birmingham Conservatoire to him since he used to attend many concerts there.

Everything's been said, and by now you'll have realised that you certainly aren't alone. My own particular guilt is a common one, I think. I wasn't anywhere near nice enough to my mother in her old age. This was partly because I really didn't understand the problems of old age then (I do now, too late), and partly because I was just selfish. I don't think I was horribly bad, but I could have been one hell of a lot better. I often think, "Sorry, Mother". I was better with my father, but that's partly because he had far fewer problems.

Tommo,

Here's yet another one to say you are not alone. I feel like I could write a drab, book-length homily on this subject, but I won't because the bulk of what it would say is contained in these few words -



Your decency shines through clearly in your vulnerability, and ultimately I believe it is from an acceptance of your decency and your wish to learn from past misdemeanours, that you can find some kind of peace with those misdemeanours. Redemption is one of the greatest human happinesses and enlightenments I think. Sorry if that sounds a bit pompous. It's what I believe, just badly expressed. I send you my best wishes and support, and I hope that you are feeling better today.



IGI, I felt a lot of things about your post, but I will limit myself to saying I was very touched by it. I wish you luck and believe you very much deserve it.



I would endorse that a hundred times over.

Entirely agreed with all of the above.  We live in a bloody difficult time for classical music - everything is wanted quicker, cheaper, and better than ever before, to service a declining audience who are going to rate us against Pappano, Richter, Kogan, Pavarotti, Pountney, or whoever.  Any of us who are working at all need to be constantly congratulating ourselves on that fact, because many more are not working - they've given up due to financial pressures, or ill-health, or depression or disillusionment. We work on dreary crud half the time or more, looking forward to the increasing rare occasions when the end-result is going to be a well-rehearsed, exciting performance of worthwhile material.  The spectre of "mediocrity" is ever-present, not because of our own abilities - but the circumstances in which half-rehearsed material gets slung-on by people who don't care anyhow.

I occasionally get to work with people much farther up the profession than myself, and the sad thing is that it's not better there either.  The more famous you get, the more often you're asked to perform lollipops, crossover popularist stuff - whilst your every move is written-up in the gutter-press and your private life isn't private any more.  How do you deal with a Press Conference in which you're ready to discuss what you've rehearsed, and the first question is "Is it true your wife has left you?".

I know, I know, no-one "made" us go into this profession.  Last night I was trying to cheer-up a singer, who wants to buy a car. She was turned-down for credit on a Daewoo Matiz, the cheapest non-Russian car on the market, on the basis of "poor salary". This month she's singing Amneris, Cherubino and the Old Prioress (CARMELITES), she's at the top of her game, has a cult audience following, has guest-appeared at the Mariinsky and the Bolshoi...   but her pay doesn't run to even a motorised tin-can.  "I worked my whole career to get to where I am...  I've got about five years before they take me aside and tell me I'm too old to do Carmen any longer, and I end up either singing The Nursemaid and Arnalta, or just shooting myself."

It really isn't her, or you, or us, or me, or them...  it's all of us in this same boat.  How many of us are doing gigs where the fee doesn't cover the costs?   Or for a fee which the organisers admit "is purely symbolic"?  

Still, you have to keep a sense of humour.  At my last show, the Administrator came to me, and said that four people had left at the Interval.  When she saw them at the Coat-Check,  she asked them if they hadn't liked the show?  "No, not at all!" they replied. "The seats - are not wide enough.  I like to be comfortable, and these seats are narrow".  "And the conductor is too young. A conductor should be at least fifty.  This young man has no authority with the audience."    

I remember reading through a pile-a-shit book 'How to cope with difficult people' from the self-help section back when I worked the shelves many summers ago, and one chapter in it really got under my skin.  The example woman they gave was one who, in spite of being able to 'do the cryptic crossword in five minutes', was employed as a lowly bank teller and had refused all offers of promotion.  These were apparently damning-enough personality trait to get her included in this book as being somebody so beyond hope that one simply has to learn to 'deal' with them as best one can.

(I can't recall the advice off hand, alas).

Tommo,

Don't worry, seriously, I was already in a bad place so it's nothing that wasn't already there.  It's not your fault. 

Also, hope you are feeling better now - I am!

Only just stumbled across the recent very moving posts, and would like to echo their sentiments, particularly with respect to dear Tommo.

Difficult for me to go into any details, but -- as the posts here suggest in abundance -- you most certainly are not alone, Tommo.

And you're all a champion bunch!