Journalists get everything wrong.  I've done a few features locally over the years regarding local issues and the things they've put that I've said beggar belief sometimes.  Nothing like what I actually did say!

This could go in the Funny Ha-Ha room but seeing as it's cat related and many cat owners will find the following strangely familiar ...


How to Give a Cat a Pill
 
 
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.     
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill & open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.     
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour a shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to
cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill
from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little sucker's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.    Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
How To Give A Dog A Pill.....
 
1. Wrap it in bacon.
 
2. Toss it in the air.





 

 
 

 

Aw, bless.

Come to think of it, why don't all cats that are taught to use a tray do that? Or perhaps they do, my knowledge of cats is fairly limited. It is after all more logical than what we actually want them to do. 

I'm not worried about her running away martle (well not much ) but I had visions of her getting into fights with the other local cats and I'd come home to find her scratched and bleeding. But I'm trying very hard not to be overprotective - hence the 7+ hours outside. Besides, she virtually insisted on going out just as I was about to leave the house this morning. I'm still in control, I really am.

You were obviously late serving breakfast, bbm. Tut, tut

That's what they do, in my considerable cat experience, Milly - assuming that "going to the loo" is not literally what you mean