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The Radio 3 Boards > General Chat > The Coffee Bar > Signs o' th' Times
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Author Topic: Signs o' th' Times  (Read 8632 times)
Baz
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« Reply #225 on: 23:19:42, 09-06-2008 »
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A
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« Reply #226 on: 23:21:55, 09-06-2008 »
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Well, there you are.
harmonyharmony
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« Reply #227 on: 02:05:36, 10-06-2008 »


I don't think that's quite what they meant...
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'is this all we can do?'
anonymous student of the University of Berkeley, California quoted in H. Draper, 'The new student revolt' (New York: Grove Press, 1965)
http://www.myspace.com/itensemble
A
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« Reply #228 on: 12:28:50, 12-06-2008 »
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Well, there you are.
richard barrett
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« Reply #229 on: 19:14:52, 12-06-2008 »
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A
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« Reply #230 on: 23:29:16, 12-06-2008 »
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Well, there you are.
perfect wagnerite
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« Reply #231 on: 08:32:45, 20-06-2008 »
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At every one of these [classical] concerts in England you will find rows of weary people who are there, not because they really like classical music, but because they think they ought to like it. (Shaw, Don Juan in Hell)
John W
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« Reply #232 on: 09:06:58, 24-06-2008 »
e-mail jokes are a good 'sign o' th' times':

SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2008

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN
MATHEMATICS PAPER 2008**HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL**PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS
ACCORDING TO YOUR REGION*

GLASGOW REGION
Name............................................
Nickname......................................
Gang name...............................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still
pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat
Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587.. And he'll have to start buying two
fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd
stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash song every 10 minutes when they're winning
and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup
Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock and got a grand for
it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low
profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but
Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who
was Fingers' Brief?*

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION*
Name..........................................
Rugby Club...........................................
Daddy's Company............................. .....

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But
Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before
giving them the tickets

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they
were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony
Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is
telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle . His
daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord
Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her
whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has
refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195
yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for
a living?**

HIGHLANDS REGION*
Name................................
Glen................................
Clan...........................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With
25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000acres and 90p per acre for the remainder,
including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has
any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts
for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed
27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Questions 4. and 5. have been delayed due to snow on the A9

----------------------------------------
Email sent from www.virginmedia.com/email
Virus-checked using McAfee(R) Software and scanned for spam

Registered in Scotland:  24552
24 Clydeholm Road, Clydeside Industrial Estate, Glasgow, G14 0QQ
www.gilmour-dean.co.uk
« Last Edit: 12:52:54, 24-06-2008 by John W » Logged
Kittybriton
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2690


Thank you for the music ...


WWW
« Reply #233 on: 17:24:46, 25-06-2008 »
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.
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or me ->my handmade store
No, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish.
Peter Grimes
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Gender: Male
Posts: 212
« Reply #234 on: 12:02:42, 26-06-2008 »
All your Engrish requirements can be found here:

http://www.engrish.com/
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"On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."
Kittybriton
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 2690


Thank you for the music ...


WWW
« Reply #235 on: 16:48:15, 26-06-2008 »
Beware of the tongue!

Quote from: ill-thought-out headlines
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(See WC Fields was right, "Lightly fried" is the best way to eat)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Click me ->About me
or me ->my handmade store
No, I'm not a complete idiot. I'm only a halfwit. In fact I'm actually a catfish.
perfect wagnerite
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1568
« Reply #236 on: 19:56:52, 26-06-2008 »
... and a particular favourite of mine, seen years ago in the Christchurch Press:

GM VEGETABLE TALKS IN SOUTH ISLAND
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At every one of these [classical] concerts in England you will find rows of weary people who are there, not because they really like classical music, but because they think they ought to like it. (Shaw, Don Juan in Hell)
A
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Posts: 4808
« Reply #237 on: 21:32:06, 27-06-2008 »
« Last Edit: 22:22:21, 03-07-2008 by A » Logged
Well, there you are.
harmonyharmony
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Posts: 4080



WWW
« Reply #238 on: 22:00:34, 30-06-2008 »

cotitsalv

Please enter this date in your diary. My only worry is that there is no indication how long it will last. By 2:31 it could well be all over...
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'is this all we can do?'
anonymous student of the University of Berkeley, California quoted in H. Draper, 'The new student revolt' (New York: Grove Press, 1965)
http://www.myspace.com/itensemble
richard barrett
*****
Posts: 3123
« Reply #239 on: 15:25:03, 02-07-2008 »
I bought a packet of cashews at Sainsbury's yesterday. On the back is the statement "WARNING: Contains nuts".
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